Let’s Have a Chat…

“So what are you going to write about?”

“Hell, I don’t know.”

“What are your options?”

“I mean…I can write whatever I want within reason. I guess.”

“You know what I mean dipshit…”

“OK, fine. I do depressive, nihilistic cop-outs pretty well. I do a decent pep talk. I like to mention Antrobus in my posts…I could write fiction, I could write about how indie writers need to band together…fishing?”

“No one wants to hear more about fishing except you.”

“I hate you.”

“Irrelevant.”

“OK, fine, so you tell me…”

“Why don’t you try something original?

“Are you saying that my posts are unoriginal?”

“Hmmm. Maybe…repetitive for sure.”

“Well…you can go to hell.”

“Mature.”

“Hey, listen dick…I write two posts a week. And I’m sorry if they get repetitive, but my short term memory is bad and I usually don’t even remember what they are about until they go live.”

“You’re in that mood today?”

“What mood?”

“Never mind, write a little character piece about a guy named John or Jack who can’t see the beauty of life through the haze of his alcoholic stupor…”

“Hey!”

“…poor John, how he struggles. Go ahead and write it…people will like it. It will bum your mom out, but you don’t seem to care about that do you?”

“Hey jackass…of course I care about bumming my mom out. You tell me…tell me where the ideas are and I’ll grab one.”

“They’re all around you, nimrod. You write from inside all the time. Write from the outside.”

“That sounds like some writing class bullshit.”

“No, it’s just logical. You write too much based on internal stimulus and it gets stale…so write something from external stimulus. And stop calling everyone John.”

“Man, names are hard for me.”

“Oh, boo hoo, names are hard for you. Cry me a damn river. Henry, George, Rajid, Jose, Ulster…names are everywhere. You’d think a writer would be able to come up with some decent names…”

“Yeah, you would think that, wouldn’t you? Look man, I do the best I can. I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation. If it’s so easy, you write the post and let me go back to bed.”

“Why, cause you don’t sleep enough?”

“Well, probably, but I like bed. It’s soft and warm. Dark.”

“You emo little prick. I’m going to smack you.”

“Alright, I’ve had about enough of this. You’re acting like a jock.”

“And you still don’t have 500 words…”

“I’m starting to really dislike you. I don’t think we should associate with one another. I’ll find new personalities. You’re a jerk. And you aren’t even being helpful.”

“Yes I am. Just give them this.”

This?!?!

“Yes, this conversation.”

“Um…I hate to rain on your anthropomorphic parade, but you don’t exist.”

“You don’t either.”

“Yes I do…and no, I’m not getting philosophical with you…”

They don’t know that. For all they know, you could be KD Rush.”

“Rust never sleeps…Rush I mean. It is plausible…”

“Cool, then go with that, Rush.”

“Word.”

“He doesn’t say that.”

“Right. Sorry.”

Author: JD Mader

JD Mader is an award winning short story writer and novelist. 'Joe Café' and 'The Biker' are out now, as well as 'Please, no eyes'. and the collaborative 'Bad Book'. Mader has been writing for half his life and has no plans on stopping any time soon. Learn more about JD Mader at his blog and his Amazon author page.

42 thoughts on “Let’s Have a Chat…”

      1. Also, thanks for confirming I’m not the only one who has full discussions with various versions of my inner self. Say, do you suppose there’s a nice sanitarium that offers group rates on rest-cures for writers?

        1. Wait. Discussions? So I shouldn’t have shoved that one inner self into the meat grinder? Ah jeez. I need a bloody instruction manual.

  1. I let the alter ego out and ended up with a rather crazy story. Not sure I’m willing to let it out again- will have to see how the story sells first…

  2. I think your alter may have a point JD. 😀 If writing from the outside creates something this funny then you should do it more often!

  3. So are you going to mention Antrobus? Oh, right, you did already. You might have started a whole new style of post here. I’m tempted. And my favourite part? Now I know they won’t reject one of my posts for “pr*ck”, “d*ck”, “bullsh*t” and “d*psh*t”. You risked it and took one for the team, bro! Well played. 😉

  4. Try arguing with one of your characters. When the character is God it puts a whole new perspective on things. I mean, just picking a point of view is difficult enough, but the guy wants every chapter to be about Him! Grrr…

    😉

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