Category: Fake-Outs

ScrollWerx

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by the fine people at ScrollWerx.]

Hear ye! Hear ye!

The day of the side-bound print book is finally over. We can’t deny that Gutenberg had a good run, but didn’t we all know in our hearts that people would come back to scrolls?

Sure, it may seem a bit early, and a lot of people are talking about this digital print thing, but come on—how long could that last?

Authors, writers, novelists, scribes and scriveners, this is the time to return to scrolls. If you’re looking for a way to make your next book stand out from the crowd, THIS IS IT!

Why not get in on the ground floor of a sure wave? Whether you’re looking for the convenience of our portable pocket scrolls, or the majestic presence of our regal Opus model, we have a scroll to meet your needs. We can print for vertical or horizontal scrolling and our high-quality rods come in brass or ornate teak-wood. Choose from parchment, papyrus, sheepskin, or paper.

In today’s trying economy, why risk your best effort on an uncertain medium? Scrolls were here before books and will be here after books. Contact us today via pigeon or telegraph for a free consultation!

Amazon Acquires Indies Unlimited

Evil Mastermind Stephen Hise today admitted he had closed a deal with Amazon for their purchase of the website he founded, Indies Unlimited.

In a rambling, but brief statement made from the seclusion of his skull-shaped island sanctuary, Hise said to the assembled press: “Greg Bozeman and I have always—what? Bezos? That sounds made up. Are you sure that’s right?”

He then opened a tube of cookie dough and wandered away from the podium. Hise’s spokesperson, K.S. “Kat” Brooks, took over the press conference, indicating Indies Unlimited and Amazon had been in secret negotiations for a while. Evidently, the concern for secrecy was so great that neither party to the negotiations was apprised of them.

Ms. Brooks assured the public, “In spite of the new ownership, nothing will change at Indies Unlimited, other than the name of the site, the people operating it, and its content.”

She then fired several bursts from an Uzi, signalling the end of the press event.

Harper’s Radio Knob Polish

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by Harper’s Radio Knob Polish]

“Bob was asking about joining the car pool again.”

“Ugh! Have you seen his radio knobs? How can he not know about Harper’s?”

Does that conversation seem familiar to you? It should. People don’t like to look at a radio with dull, lackluster knobs.

Have bad things been happening to you lately? Maybe you were passed over for that promotion or a neighbor snubbed you. It just may be your radio knobs. Our own independent studies show that 37% of all social maladies, from littering to parking violations, can probably be traced back to neglected radio knobs.

Fortunately, there’s Harper’s Radio Knob Polish. It can restore the gleam back to even the dullest knobs. Best of all, it leaves an invigorating chemical smell. Harper’s is now available in quart or gallon sizes. Pick some up today!

Introducing Auto Fame

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by PseudoData Laboratories]

Authors, you have enough to worry about without spending time looking for an audience. Here at PseudoData Laboratories, we have the perfect solution for you.

Auto Fame is an exciting new program that can build your sales and readership, allowing you to focus on writing your next bestseller!

In the olden days, authors had to rely on actual people personally buying copies of their books in order to make it onto the most prestigious bestseller lists. What a hassle.

Thanks to technology, those days are gone. All that’s required now is money! With enough money, we can get your books onto any bestseller list. You produce the books, we’ll produce the “fame.”

At PseudoData, we have banks of virtual “people” who can buy and favorably review your book, making it appear as though your book is the best thing since sliced bread. All you have to do is give us the money* to buy enough copies of your book to make your dreams come true!

Remember, time is money. If you’re not giving us your money, you’re wasting your time.

*Other charges, surcharges, service fees, and premiums may apply. Actually, we’re pretty sure they will apply.