Category: Fake-Outs

Golden Skunk Awards

This Book StinksEverybody knows that books with little gold stickers on the cover are favored by book consumers. That’s why they are there, and why awards cost so much.

But, even with the abundance of cheesy little awards nobody ever heard of, it can still be difficult to win.

Breakthrough research we are just about to conduct will show that even though book consumers prefer books with little gold seals on the cover, 90% of those consumers don’t even bother to read the writing on the seal to know what it says. Of the 10% who do read the sticker, 0.0003% know the significance of it. All they know is if it’s got a gold seal on the cover, it has to be good!

Or does it?

Just because a book isn’t good doesn’t mean it can’t be a bestseller. Just look at the bestseller list, for crying out loud. Oh, the humanity! What do those books have that yours don’t? A little gold sticker.

Now your book can have that same cachet and become an overnight success, skyrocketing your sales*. The Golden Skunk Award is not given on the basis of merit, we award them to whoever pays. Sure, you can gamble away hundreds of dollars on a chance at winning a little gold sticker for your book, or you can pay us $100 and get one for sure!

But, don’t take our word for it. Here is a look at the Golden Skunk in action:

Upgrade before and afterBe honest. Which book would you buy? Of course, you’d buy the one with the little gold seal on the cover. That’s what everyone does!

Order yours today!

*Your results may vary.

Used Pixel Warehouse

warehouseDid you ever wonder what editors do with all the pixels from the text they delete from manuscripts?

In the bad old days, they were just deleted. In today’s economy, we can no longer afford such wastefulness.

Thanks to breakthrough technology, these unwanted pixels can now be harvested and re-purposed for use by other authors. At Used Pixel Warehouse, we make these pixels available for bulk purchase at discount prices. Why pay full price for the pixels you use?

Just wire us the purchase price of a box of pixels, and we’ll upload them to your computer. You won’t even know the difference. We guarantee it!

Isn’t it about time you did your part to save the planet? Call Used Pixel Warehouse today!

Eysol: Eye Care for Editors

EysolWe know. Editors work hard. After a grueling day of reading all those words, your eyes are screaming for relief. But regular eye drops are not going to get rid of that stinging caused by all the errant commas, misplaced modifiers, and just really bad grammar. You need something industrial: something you know will make you forget what you just read. Your wish is now granted!

The professionals at Indies Unlimited Laboratories have perfected a new product just for you: Eysol Eye Wipes!

That’s right, now you can find relief after reading a horrendous manuscript! Just pluck an Eysol Eye Wipe from the container, apply to your eyes as directed, and you’ll forget every torturous word! We even left out the second ‘e’ in Eyesol so you’d have something to correct! Because we care that much! Remember, the burning shows it’s working!

Use as directed. Not to be taken internally. Common side effects include painful ocular burning, stinging, swelling, and redness; temporary blindness; sore throat from screaming due to painful ocular burning and stinging; incontinence; and memory loss.

Hermit Writer’s Life Spring Edition

hermit writers life april 2014What could possibly be better than Spring time in hermit land? Sure, the rain pours in through the gaps in your moss roof, but you’re a writer – and you’re living the Hermit Writer’s Life.

In the April edition of Hermit Writer’s Life Magazine, you’ll find all sorts of innovative articles to help you think outside the box you’re living in and optimize your situation.

Our staff of successful and experienced hermit authors will provide you with the tools you need to:

  • Reinforce your roof with plastic bags and rejection letters
  • Keep bears out of your food supply
  • Smuggle liquid soap out of rest area bathrooms
  • Turn wildflowers into a pretty salad
  • Receive royalty payments without a bank account
  • And much, much more.

And of course, we always have articles for newbies who want to throw it all away, move to the woods, and write full-time. Don’t put off that move any longer! Follow your dream now! Subscribe to Hermit Writer’s Life Magazine today, and as a bonus we’ll send you the Wilderness Weight Loss Guide for free! (additional shipping and handling charges apply.)