Sorry, We Can’t Use Funny by Barry Parham

Author Barry Parham

Not long ago, I wrote a book. I didn’t mean to – I had to. Somehow, I had managed to snub a minor deity, and I had to set things right.

I knew I didn’t have what it takes to write a novel. I’m missing a few essentials: a plot, a plan, intimacy with a bunch of interesting characters, vocabulary, discipline, talent.

No, I wanted to write something less dramatic, something more useless, something that lets me get away with gross grammatical gaffes like, for example, the previous paragraph. I wanted to write a weekly commentary and then find some newspaper to carry it, so I could get out of the numbing habit of actually working.

And so, for a while, I tried writing stuff and contacting newspapers all across America. But the newspapers kept telling me to get out of the way so they could finish dying.

So it didn’t go well, and now I focus on writing other things: online columns, long parole violation rationalizations, extended grocery shopping lists. Continue reading “Sorry, We Can’t Use Funny by Barry Parham”

Rejection is Your Friend!

Rejection is a bitch, and it can come in many forms. Most writers probably feel the bitter sting of rejection for the first time when they decide to share something they wrote and get a lukewarm reaction. What? Your genius is not appreciated? Mom didn’t immediately call the local paper?

Then there is a new level of rejection once you start submitting work. When you start getting those tiny slips of paper in the mail and you think, “they couldn’t even use a whole sheet of paper? They rejected eight writers with one piece!” The self addressed stamped envelope (SASE) is a tough one, too. You get the letter. It weighs nothing so you know it’s a rejection and, to add insult to injury, the letter was addressed by your own hand. Continue reading “Rejection is Your Friend!”