Category: Fake-Outs

Insousciance!

insoucianceThe life of an indie author is often difficult. Artists such as yourself must be able to readily access the full panoply of emotions when crafting your characters, but you are expected to turn it all off when someone craps on your work with a scathing review.

We at ChemCorp Nutraceuticals think that’s unfair, and we’re here to help. By combining vitamin-rich emollients with largely legal mood stabilizers and a powerful nerve agent, you can have soft skin and a thick hide. Let them say what they will. It will all bounce off you like corruption charges off a politician.

Insousiance facial cream and calmative is the first of our line of products especially for indie authors. After all, why should vanity publishers be the only ones getting rich off you guys? Also, we care. You’re welcome.

Our Lawyers Are Making Us Do This: A Message from CrookTub

no thanksDear…author?

Thank you for the side-splitting laugh we had when our intern Jennifer told us that yet another indie author attempted to submit an order with CrookTub. Unfortunately, the editorial team, that is, Jennifer and Chippy, her robot chipmunk, has not selected your “book” and probably never will.

See, as a book promotion site, we get so darned many of these things. And because of, um, well, we can’t tell you that, at least without a lawyer present, we can only feature 0.1% of indie “books,” but only if they’re by Hugh Howey. We have to satisfy our subscribers’ desires for things that Oprah likes, or else how would we make any money, right? Continue reading “Our Lawyers Are Making Us Do This: A Message from CrookTub”

My Predictions for 2014

Crystal BallI assume everyone knows of my legendary prowess in making predictions. But then, I assume a lot of things. Anyway, I have a very solid reputation for being almost 90% right nearly 50% of the time.

It’s not magic that gives me what I like to call this “fifth sense.” No, I am just one of those people who can see the writing on the wall. Possibly because the teacher made me scrub it off so many times.

But I know you are all anxious to learn what horrors and joys the coming year will hold, so let us not delay a moment longer. Here are my predictions for 2014: Continue reading “My Predictions for 2014”

Gift Baskets for the Holidays!

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Who among us has not fantasized about pulling the pin and lobbing a live one just like Rambo? Maybe your neighborhood is infested with zombies, vampires or worse.

Our gift baskets work for all occasions. You can choose from teargas, flash-bang, high-energy explosives, thermal and fragmentation grenades, OR you can mix and match!

Why not order our special twelve-pack ARMY OF ONE assortment and cover all the bases?

We deliver right to your door. Call 1-800-GRENADES today!