Author: Bob Hammond

Bob Hammond is the world-renowned author of two runaway bestselling series, The Hunger Game of Thrones, and Fifty Shades of Twilight. He is also the award-winning author of the historical novel, A Puritan in Zanzabar, and the self-help book, In Your Own Hands: A Single Man's Guide to Internet Romance. Don't tell Bob he is fictitious. It might hurt his feelings.

There Can Be Only One

Bob Hammond There Can be Only OneThere, there. I know, I know, you want to be me, but you can’t. I bet that makes life a chore. But you’re a good sport about it, aren’t you? Of course you are. Unlike some who cannot handle not being me, you haven’t made any threatening phone calls. Good on you.

Bob Hammond here. I know, no introduction is necessary in that my reputation as a best selling author and rival to “The Most Interesting Man in the World” precede me, but I wanted to make sure I had your attention.

There’s been a bit of controversy as of late over my bestsellerdom. It seems that some jealous, obviously less successful, authors have contacted booksellers trying to undermine my bestseller status. They’ve been trying to dig up dirt, report sock puppet reviews, and have my unique and innovative book categories revoked. All because they can’t be like me – they feel the need to reduce me to their level. Well, I hate to tell them – but there can be only one Bob Hammond. I talk about this at length in my new book There Can Be Only One.

I keep hearing this phrase “sock puppetry.” Frankly, I find that revolting, and a good way to get athlete’s foot on one’s hands. Perhaps only poor folk use that type of entertainment. Not Bob Hammond.

And since I *am* Bob Hammond, there is nothing wrong with my books being categorized the way they are on Amazon. I don’t need to resort to any kind of trickery to be at the top of the bestsellers lists.rankings bob hammond

Just remember, while you’re sorry you can’t be me, I’m not. There can, in fact, be only one Bob Hammond, and we all know who that is.

The Writers Guide to Coolness

The Writers Guide to CoolnessHey, groovy chicks and dudes. Is your contemporary urban fiction falling flat with today’s readers? Is your dialogue riddled with terms like twenty-three skidoo, gadzooks, and cat’s meow? Are reviewers saying that your book is not, in fact, da bomb?

That’s totally bogus man. Don’t be lame when you can be epic. You need the 9-1-1 if you’re writing for the hip cats in today’s scene. Who better to teach you about cool than the guy who invented it?

Slot up over at Amazon and pick up your copy of The Writers Guide to Coolness today!

Mail Call with Bob Hammond

mailboxI’m pleased that as part of my court-mandated community service, I have the opportunity to work with independent authors like Kay Esbrooks and Dave Hiseman, and the whole Indie Underdog crew.

As an internationally-renowned bestselling superstar author, I am happy to share from my vast reserve of experience and wisdom with those less talented. This week, I’ll be pitching in by answering a few of the many e-mail questions we receive.

Justin A. Tizzy writes: “I recently submitted a book for vetting by Indies Unlimited and was told I use too many exclamation marks in my writing! I see this as a style issue! I think exclamation marks add emphasis to what is written, and I want my writing to have emphasis! I am very disappointed! I hope you can shed some light on this issue!!!”

Justin, it is best to remember that when one emphasizes everything, one emphasizes nothing. The exclamation mark should be used sparsely in dialogue and probably never in narrative. Also, maybe you should consider switching to decaf.

Lotta Angst writes: “My friends always told me I should write a book, but now that I have, none of them seem to have the time to read it. Does anyone else have that problem, or do I just have crappy friends?”

Right. Lotta, m’dear, are you fresh off the turnip truck? You realize that friends lie, right? They’ve probably read your book, but were disappointed that they weren’t in it. Rather than own up to that, they’re telling you they haven’t read it. If you’re not sure how to handle this, you can check out my new book entitled, That’s Right Loser, You’re Not in My Book. I’m sure you’ll feel better after reading it.

Ivana Writewell asks: “What is the best way to improve my storycraft? I know there are a lot of books on writing out there. Is there one you recommend?”

Bob Hammond You Cant Write Like MeIvana, there are a lot of books on writing. Where these books all fall short is that up until now, none of them were written by me. But because of your letter, I’ve thrown together a book to help you learn storycraft. Since I’m such a prolific author, it only took me a couple of minutes to write what you will be in awe of for hours. Now available on Amazon: Sorry You Can’t Write Like Me. Of course, another way to learn is by reading good stories. I suggest you buy all my books and study them extensively. If you can’t afford my books (and you probably can’t) there are a few authors here at IU who I mentored. Their books should get you started on the right track.

Narcissists as Authors: You’re Welcome

Bob Hammond with his new bookBob Hammond here. I know, no introduction is necessary in that my reputation as a best selling author and rival to “The Most Interesting Man in the World” precede me, but I wanted to make sure I had your attention.

There’s been a lot of hub-bub, to-do, and nonsense here recently on UI – what? It’s IU? IU, UI, whatever – about narcissists as authors. At least that’s what they tell me. Who’s they? You know, the same they that tells you using cotton swabs on a stick is dangerous for cleaning your ears. Well, good. I’ve cleaned my ears with cotton swabs while jumping on a trampoline because I live dangerously. In fact, you can read about that in my new book Bob Hammond: Living Dangerously. Continue reading “Narcissists as Authors: You’re Welcome”