Mail Call with Bob Hammond

mailboxI’m pleased that as part of my court-mandated community service, I have the opportunity to work with independent authors like Kay Esbrooks and Dave Hiseman, and the whole Indie Underdog crew.

As an internationally-renowned bestselling superstar author, I am happy to share from my vast reserve of experience and wisdom with those less talented. This week, I’ll be pitching in by answering a few of the many e-mail questions we receive.

Justin A. Tizzy writes: “I recently submitted a book for vetting by Indies Unlimited and was told I use too many exclamation marks in my writing! I see this as a style issue! I think exclamation marks add emphasis to what is written, and I want my writing to have emphasis! I am very disappointed! I hope you can shed some light on this issue!!!”

Justin, it is best to remember that when one emphasizes everything, one emphasizes nothing. The exclamation mark should be used sparsely in dialogue and probably never in narrative. Also, maybe you should consider switching to decaf.

Lotta Angst writes: “My friends always told me I should write a book, but now that I have, none of them seem to have the time to read it. Does anyone else have that problem, or do I just have crappy friends?”

Right. Lotta, m’dear, are you fresh off the turnip truck? You realize that friends lie, right? They’ve probably read your book, but were disappointed that they weren’t in it. Rather than own up to that, they’re telling you they haven’t read it. If you’re not sure how to handle this, you can check out my new book entitled, That’s Right Loser, You’re Not in My Book. I’m sure you’ll feel better after reading it.

Ivana Writewell asks: “What is the best way to improve my storycraft? I know there are a lot of books on writing out there. Is there one you recommend?”

Bob Hammond You Cant Write Like MeIvana, there are a lot of books on writing. Where these books all fall short is that up until now, none of them were written by me. But because of your letter, I’ve thrown together a book to help you learn storycraft. Since I’m such a prolific author, it only took me a couple of minutes to write what you will be in awe of for hours. Now available on Amazon: Sorry You Can’t Write Like Me. Of course, another way to learn is by reading good stories. I suggest you buy all my books and study them extensively. If you can’t afford my books (and you probably can’t) there are a few authors here at IU who I mentored. Their books should get you started on the right track.

Author: Bob Hammond

Bob Hammond is the world-renowned author of two runaway bestselling series, The Hunger Game of Thrones, and Fifty Shades of Twilight. He is also the award-winning author of the historical novel, A Puritan in Zanzabar, and the self-help book, In Your Own Hands: A Single Man's Guide to Internet Romance. Don't tell Bob he is fictitious. It might hurt his feelings.

11 thoughts on “Mail Call with Bob Hammond”

  1. Bob,

    I clicked on the link to buy your book and got some other book that looks really bad. What went wrong?

    Your biggest fan,

  2. Thanks for the laughs. I loved this post, so I checked out your “Bad Book” on Amazon. I’m probably giving you more credit than you deserve, but did you guys write your own, solitary, one-star review? I hope so.

      1. This review is pretty entertaining! I was going to highlight the best parts, but there are so many!

        People read books every day. And some people are lucky enough to find books that will fill those days with magic. They come along rarely, maybe once in a generation: Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson. Wuthering Heights by that dithering English chick. The Penthouse Forum in the June, 1975 issue. Today, another one of those books enter the here and now. Right here, right now, here and now, now right here now in this time here and now: Bad Book.

        It is so hard to encapsulate the feelings that this book brings forth when I read it. True, they may not have been as physically apparent as when I read the June 1975 Penthouse Forum, but they are there. And there was less to clean up. The evocative prose that this trio of talented writers whip up goes beyond mere feelings: This writing gets you right there. No, up a bit. No, not that far, that’s your Adam’s Apple, you idiot. Point at the area between your man-boobs. Ah yes. That’s the spot. The spleen. This book hits you right in the spleen, plucking your heartstrings err spleenstrings.

        I don’t think I’ll be spoiling anything by telling you the butler did it. Oh, hell. No, it wasn’t the butler. It was the maid. Err it might’ve been the maid. It could’ve been the butler, but it obviously was NOT the butler because that would be a CLICHE. The characterizations in this book are truly wonderful, cut from the finest cardboard that you can scrounge from a dumpster behind Home Depot. The dialogue, oh the expressive dialogue. Imagine, if you will, the flowing words of Robert Frost if they were spoken in the dulcet tones of Snooki after five or six pitchers of strawberry margaritas. That is what makes this book truly live in the spleens and minds of the world! Or at least the people who had a dollar left on their debit cards after a night of debauched barhopping.

        The three minds that combined to create this masterpiece: Ms. Brooks, Mr. Mader and Mr. Hise – what can be said about them that hasn’t already been noted in dozens of police reports and court proceeding transcripts? They have truly hit the mark with this entrancing novel of life, death, birth and infinity! No, that’s Ben Casey. Sorry, I often get them confused. To put it bluntly, and in words I know they’ll understand: Dem rite gud.

        So in short, Bad Book, is a fine book. Real fine. Pam Grier in the seventies fine. Buy it. Read it. Experience it. Your spleen will be glad you did. And maybe even your gall bladder, too.

    1. Glad you enjoyed it, Ken. Be sure to check out my upcoming book, “Bob’s Greatest Blogs,” available exclusively to Amazon Triple Diamond members.

  3. After the world cup matches, after a few beers, after finishing an assignment, I think I’m going to read all the Bob Hammond posts, or maybe the book.

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