Category: Fake-Outs

A Word From Ajax Thermal Ports

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by the fine folks at Ajax Thermal Ports]

After the catastrophic design failures associated with the Death Star debacle, thermal ports got a bad reputation, and deservedly so.

Ajax has put together the best engineers in the galaxy to solve these problems and is pleased to introduce our 204-A “petite” line of thermal ports. Though just as efficient at venting plasma gas, the new 204-A is smaller and nearly impossible to hit with proton torpedoes.

Even in the unlikely event of a superficial penetration, we have taken the additional precaution of adding a P trap, to assure projectiles have no straight line to the reactor.

We are sure you’ll be satisfied with our new thermal ports and will join the many who are glad to proclaim, “It’s finally safe to build death stars again!”

Happy Holidays From Hayes and Fowler

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by Hayes and Fowler.]

The hustle and bustle of the holiday season is upon us. The chaos and confusion are only heightened by the ridiculous sales featured by otherwise reputable merchants.

Why should the cream of society wait in long lines just for the privilege of pawing through bins of last year’s fashions?

At Hayes and Fowler, we cater to the exclusive tastes of the pinnacle of society. To make your holiday season more enjoyable, we have doubled the prices on our entire inventory of fine jewelry and fashions. That should keep out the riff-raff. Remember, peace is priceless to those for whom money is no object. Happy Holidays.

A Message from Mariner Petrochemical

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by the fine folks at Mariner Petrochemical.]

As you have no doubt noticed, energy prices are skyrocketing and the government is making it more and more difficult to explore and drill for new oil. Energy demands are at an all-time high and show no sign of declining.

As fate would have it, our seas are choked with whales, a source of clean, natural, organic, and renewable energy.

Let’s face it, whales are just too big for a crowded world. Sure, they’re neat when you see them swimming in the ocean, but that’s not all they do in there, you know. You really want to swim around in that?

And though whales have a reputation as gentle and intelligent creatures, we have it on good authority that they eat people and blame sharks for it.

If you’ve ever been on a whale-watching boat and gotten sprayed with about thirty gallons of whale snot, you might not feel so warm and fuzzy about them. That is not cool, man. Not cool at all. Seriously, what have whales done for you?

So, the next time you pull into a gas station to fill up, be sure to do the smart thing and say, “Make mine whale!”

Evil Mastermind Press Announces Upcoming Release

Evil Mastermind Press is pleased to announce its upcoming release and the first in a new line of business-related books for people who have given up on success and just want to get by.

In Seven Habits of Highly Unsuccessful People, author Stephen Hise examines the life stories of numerous well-known losers and identifies the seven characteristics common to their failure.

From the story of Hubert “Swishy” Slogwell, the worst sports agent in history, to Mobutu Potapu, the only guy running a Nigerian oil scam who actually lost money, Hise covers them all.

Evil Mastermind Press will release the book as soon as just one of those lottery tickets pay off big. Be sure to watch for this one in bookstores nowhere near you!