Tag: fake ads

Used Pixel Warehouse

warehouseDid you ever wonder what editors do with all the pixels from the text they delete from manuscripts?

In the bad old days, they were just deleted. In today’s economy, we can no longer afford such wastefulness.

Thanks to breakthrough technology, these unwanted pixels can now be harvested and re-purposed for use by other authors. At Used Pixel Warehouse, we make these pixels available for bulk purchase at discount prices. Why pay full price for the pixels you use?

Just wire us the purchase price of a box of pixels, and we’ll upload them to your computer. You won’t even know the difference. We guarantee it!

Isn’t it about time you did your part to save the planet? Call Used Pixel Warehouse today!

Hypnopotamus

Hypnopotamus BWMarketing products of any kind is challenging, and more so in a culture inured to the standard marketing techniques.

These days, you need to be able to reach your target audience quickly and effectively. You must tap into their subconscious desires to buy your product or service right now!

Genetic Research Associates, in conjunction with Nigerian Oil Minister Marketing International, is pleased to announce a breakthrough. By using the amazing mental powers of our genetically-modified hippopotamus to break through that wall of sales-resistance, the prospect becomes a customer in mere seconds.

But is it ethical? Of course it is! People can’t be convinced under hypnosis to do something they wouldn’t normally do. For instance, those people who cluck like a chicken when they’re put under – you know they must have wanted to do that, right? Who wouldn’t?

As an author, you know people want to buy your book, but some irrational process is interfering with acting on that wholesome impulse. Is that fair? Of course not. The hypnopotomus simply bypasses all that to get to YES!

$165,000 an hour might seem like a lot of money to invest in book promotion, but not if you care about your book. You do care about your book, right? Not convinced yet? Just look at that adorable hypnopotamus.

Look into his eyes.

Look deeply…

Automotive Solutions: A Friend to Indie Authors

used-car-salesman-290x208
Trustworthy and reliable!

Here at Automotive Solutions, we recognize and sympathize with the plight of indie authors.

That’s why we offer a free publishing contract with every purchase. Not only will you drive off the lot with a premium previously-owned automobile, but you will have the peace of mind of knowing all the grunt work of editing and publishing* your work is covered!

Larry back there runs the copy machine and my niece is in honors English. The covers are all professionally done by the guy who does our signs. You won’t have to worry about no one being able to read your name!

You need what all successful authors need: reliable transportation. No credit? No Problem!** Come on down today and get a free bag of cat food with any test drive! The keys to success might just happen to fit in an ignition switch!

*Separate charges may apply to processing, handling, reading, proofing, editing, layout, design, cover art, other publication services, and marketing.
**Applies to cash transactions only.

Insousciance!

insoucianceThe life of an indie author is often difficult. Artists such as yourself must be able to readily access the full panoply of emotions when crafting your characters, but you are expected to turn it all off when someone craps on your work with a scathing review.

We at ChemCorp Nutraceuticals think that’s unfair, and we’re here to help. By combining vitamin-rich emollients with largely legal mood stabilizers and a powerful nerve agent, you can have soft skin and a thick hide. Let them say what they will. It will all bounce off you like corruption charges off a politician.

Insousiance facial cream and calmative is the first of our line of products especially for indie authors. After all, why should vanity publishers be the only ones getting rich off you guys? Also, we care. You’re welcome.