Tag: humor

Dammitol

[Indies Unlimited is made possible in part by support from the people at Leary Funkeceuticals, makers of Dammitol.]

Is your day filled with stress? Are your nights sleepless, your love life fifty shades of bland?

Life hasn’t turned out much like you imagined, has it? Not to worry. Our certified groove-ologists here at Leary Funkeceuticals have the answer for you.

See, that stress is gonna be there no matter what, but you don’t have to care about it, and with Dammitol, you won’t!

Colors will smell brighter, people will taste more interesting, and food will talk better. Dammitol contains a groundbreaking mellowing agent that helps you put it all in perspective. Sure, at the next staff meeting, when your boss asks if anyone has any questions, you might raise your hand and ask who invented the cheese grater. So what? Has all that paying attention and playing it straight gotten you where you wanna be?

Best of all, there are no scary side-effects to worry about. As freelance pharmaceutical engineers, we don’t run our stuff past the FDA. Man, those suits were always harshing our buzz.

Interested in trying Dammitol? Our representatives can be found on a street corner near you. Just, you know, be cool.

Leary Funkeceuticals, home of the happiest lab rats in the world. Peace.

Pow Chemical Salutes Earth Day

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by Pow Chemical, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the munitions division of UNIBANK Financial Services International.]

Earth Day is finally over again, and the last of the hippies have pried themselves from the tree trunks. At last, life can go on. And that’s thanks to chemicals. At Pow Chemicals, that’s what we make, and do you know where we find the ingredients we use to manufacture all the stuff we make? Right here on good old Mother Earth.

That’s right, greenies, that means our chemicals are all natural! So, in celebration of Earth Day, we’re proud to introduce our new “Mother Nature Approved” labeling for all our products from poison to napalm. They’re all made from completely natural chemicals.

By the way, we experienced a minor unscheduled product release. Some of those chemicals may have left residue on that tree you were hugging. If so, I guess we won’t see you around next Earth Day. Still, you might wanna wash that area off with some of our trusty and effective Pow.cleanser. It’s Mother Nature Approved!

Formula for a Bestselling Horror Novel

Of course, yes, I know you’ve been waiting for this. Who hasn’t been? I’ve already shared with you the formula for writing a blockbuster action/adventure bestseller, a knock-em dead romance bestseller, a spine- and pants-tingling romantic thriller, and a Young Adult Paranormal Romance. I know – that’s really benevolent of me, right? Despite that, you thought I left out a market with huge potential: horror. Well please, patience! I can only turn out one of these labor-intensive formulas each month. They’re quite draining, you know.

Speaking of draining, this book’s got it all: vampires, werewolves, zombies – a story destined to be a bestseller once you add your personal touch to it. How can you go wrong?

Follow my advice below, and you’ll be fighting off a legion of dedicated, zombie-like fans!

Formula for a best-selling horror novel: Continue reading “Formula for a Bestselling Horror Novel”

ScrollWerx

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by the fine people at ScrollWerx.]

Hear ye! Hear ye!

The day of the side-bound print book is finally over. We can’t deny that Gutenberg had a good run, but didn’t we all know in our hearts that people would come back to scrolls?

Sure, it may seem a bit early, and a lot of people are talking about this digital print thing, but come on—how long could that last?

Authors, writers, novelists, scribes and scriveners, this is the time to return to scrolls. If you’re looking for a way to make your next book stand out from the crowd, THIS IS IT!

Why not get in on the ground floor of a sure wave? Whether you’re looking for the convenience of our portable pocket scrolls, or the majestic presence of our regal Opus model, we have a scroll to meet your needs. We can print for vertical or horizontal scrolling and our high-quality rods come in brass or ornate teak-wood. Choose from parchment, papyrus, sheepskin, or paper.

In today’s trying economy, why risk your best effort on an uncertain medium? Scrolls were here before books and will be here after books. Contact us today via pigeon or telegraph for a free consultation!