Tag: sarcasm

Top Five Ways to Have an Awful Book Cover

BAD BOOK LARGEI’m constantly looking at book covers as part of my “job” here at Indies Unlimited. On top of that, I run into authors posting their covers in groups all the time, asking for input. So I see a LOT of covers. And most of them all have the same issues.

What I find most ironic is that the same people keep posting book covers with the same problems. I don’t get that. Please allow me to make something perfectly clear. And I’m not just making this up to be difficult or bossy or right. I’m speaking from experience. I used to provide my own cover art to my small Indie publisher – and because of that, I’ve taken some lumps. But I’ve also learned some important things about book covers. I share this knowledge freely, to help my fellow Indie authors. Book covers are important. We all want to make a good first impression. Book sales count on it. Continue reading “Top Five Ways to Have an Awful Book Cover”

The Automated Reciprocator

How many times a day do people ask you for advice on how to write or publish or market a book? It can get frustrating and become a time-suck. Can you imagine if you were a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, or a mechanic? You’d never be giving your time away for free, would you?

Well, here at the Indies Unlimited Laboratories, we’ve come up with the perfect invention for you: the amazing Automated Reciprocator!

This machine is so brilliant, so intuitive, and so easy to use, you’ll wish we invented it years ago – but only after you got published, right?

The directions for use are simple. Before you put it into service, however, you need to make a list of the things you need, or the things you’re willing to barter for. The Automated Reciprocator can’t help you get your due until you perform this initial step. Not sure what you need/want? Here’s a list of most commonly requested items: Continue reading “The Automated Reciprocator”

Formula for a Bestselling Horror Novel

Of course, yes, I know you’ve been waiting for this. Who hasn’t been? I’ve already shared with you the formula for writing a blockbuster action/adventure bestseller, a knock-em dead romance bestseller, a spine- and pants-tingling romantic thriller, and a Young Adult Paranormal Romance. I know – that’s really benevolent of me, right? Despite that, you thought I left out a market with huge potential: horror. Well please, patience! I can only turn out one of these labor-intensive formulas each month. They’re quite draining, you know.

Speaking of draining, this book’s got it all: vampires, werewolves, zombies – a story destined to be a bestseller once you add your personal touch to it. How can you go wrong?

Follow my advice below, and you’ll be fighting off a legion of dedicated, zombie-like fans!

Formula for a best-selling horror novel: Continue reading “Formula for a Bestselling Horror Novel”

Formula for a Bestselling Young Adult Paranormal Romance

Of course, yes, I know you’ve been waiting for this. Who hasn’t been? I’ve already shared with you the formula for writing a blockbuster action/adventure bestseller, a knock-em dead romance bestseller, and a spine- and pants-tingling romantic thriller. I know you’re a tad disgruntled because those weren’t your genres of choice. But no worries, here it is – the long-awaited formula for that explosive young adult paranormal romance!

I’m a step ahead of you with my credentials for this one. I bet you didn’t know I’ve secretly been writing a vampire book for years. Yeah, that’s right, I started it back in 1998 I think. So I know a few things about vampires. And I’ve seen every bloody commercial for the sparkly vampire series, whatever that’s called. The clincher, however, is that I’ve been to the Olympic Peninsula of Washington State where they filmed those movies. That’s right. So listen up.

Follow my advice below, and you’ll be instructing your limo driver to plow down those paparazzis, my friend!

Formula for a best-selling young adult paranormal romance: Continue reading “Formula for a Bestselling Young Adult Paranormal Romance”