Tag: sarcasm

Formula for a Bestselling Romantic Thriller

UPGRADE by Stephen Hise
Every thriller should have a main character with flaws and a deep, dark secret.

In this series, so far I’ve shared with you the formula for writing a blockbuster action/adventure bestseller, and a knock-em dead romance bestseller. In this installment, we’re going to cover writing an earth-shattering, edge-of-the-seat romantic thriller!

Yeah, I knew you were going to ask what qualifies me to give this advice. Aside from the fact that I’ve extensively researched stalking (for my books, of course), and I’ve won awards for my action-adventure thriller Lust for Danger, I got help this time. Our very own Evil Mastermind, Stephen Hise – author of the psychological thriller Upgrade, has contributed to this special recipe. So grab your pen and take notes. This is going to blow you away.

Now let’s get to it. Follow my advice below, and you’ll be Hollywood-bound, my friend!

Continue reading “Formula for a Bestselling Romantic Thriller”

Formula for a Romance Bestseller

The Kiss of Night
All romantic blockbusters should have smoking hot women and half naked men.

[This is a satirical article. If you want instruction on how to write a romance novel from someone who actually knows what they’re talking about, try this article. – The Administrators.]

In my last installment, I shared with you the formula for writing a blockbuster action/adventure bestseller. I really can’t believe you missed it, but in case you did, you can read it here. In this installment, I’m going to give you the top secret formula for writing the romance novel that people just can’t resist. That includes the people in Hollywood. They’re going to be banging down your door to get their hands on this one, so watch out. I hope you’re prepared for all that fame and fortune, because it’s coming!

What makes me think I can tell you how to do this? Well, sure, I haven’t actually written a romance novel, but there is romance in my novels. Also, they filmed Failure to Launch and The Wedding Crashers right near where I lived. Not good enough? I’ve won awards, for crying out loud. Whether they have anything to do with writing doesn’t matter, really. They’re awards. Be impressed and shut up.

Now let’s get to it. Follow my advice below, and you’ll be Hollywood-bound, my friend!

Continue reading “Formula for a Romance Bestseller”

Formula for an Action-Adventure Bestseller

Special Agent Kathrin Night
Every action-adventure blockbuster needs babes, guns and explosions. Special Agent Kathrin Night drawn by Artist Bernie Shuman.

Yeah, yeah, I know: I shouldn’t be sharing this for free. So, what do I ask in return? Remember me when you’re at the opening night of your blockbuster film. And…you can always make a donation using the PayPal button on this page. You can’t really put a price on the advice I’m about to give you, but give it a shot. More zeros after the number in front and before the decimal point is a good start.

I know how it goes – you’re sitting there staring at your screen trying to figure out how to make that action-adventure work-in-progress into a grabbing, mind-blowing, future bestseller. Look, I’ve been doing this a long time, and I’ve seen all the Rambo movies – so I know a thing or two. And I am now going to help you by taking the guess work out of this whole shebang for you. Follow my advice below, and you’ll be Hollywood-bound, my friend! Continue reading “Formula for an Action-Adventure Bestseller”

Retro-sausage

Author John Barlow
Author John Barlow

I am sitting in a tent in the Yorkshire Dales. Even when it’s not raining (and it generally is) there’s enough damp in the air to leave a fine dew on the surface of your clothes. Sometimes the sun does come out, but it never seems to stay around for very long. This is what vacations are all about, breaking free from the routine to do something less pleasant and comfortable instead. And in our case, it also involves sleeping in nylon bags that have defective zips, and being awoken ridiculously early each morning by a bird whose stage name is, I’m pretty sure, Cocky the loud-as-@#%& cockerel.

Not that I’m complaining. Because over the course of a camping trip that’s taken us from NW Spain all the way to northern England, via France, I have made a small but significant discovery. E-books are no good in a tent. If you want a convincing argument in favor of the long-term survival of paper books, especially paperbacks, invest in a tent, borrow a couple of kids, fill the car with the myriad necessities for three weeks on the road, then toss in your Kindle Fire. You’ll wish you hadn’t. Continue reading “Retro-sausage”