Tag: satire

Exercises for Authors

Yeah, that’s right. I’m an author. That means I’m cerebral. I work out with my brain, not my body, which means that my Nordic Track machine is used to hang laundry. It works quite nicely in that capacity.

Our Laurie Boris tried to get us to start some good habits like stretching and some strange, new-fangled ergonomic stuff. All that’s fine and dandy, but I can’t really see someone like me actually making the effort to do any of it. So, in the true spirit of entrepreneurial opportunism, I’ve developed an exercise program tailored specifically for authors (and anyone who spends extended hours at a computer). Because what good is a program you won’t actually use?

That’s right, I’ve taken activities in which you participate every day and turned them into exercises! How can you go wrong? Well, duh, you can’t. Continue reading “Exercises for Authors”

Amazon Acquires Indies Unlimited

Evil Mastermind Stephen Hise today admitted he had closed a deal with Amazon for their purchase of the website he founded, Indies Unlimited.

In a rambling, but brief statement made from the seclusion of his skull-shaped island sanctuary, Hise said to the assembled press: “Greg Bozeman and I have always—what? Bezos? That sounds made up. Are you sure that’s right?”

He then opened a tube of cookie dough and wandered away from the podium. Hise’s spokesperson, K.S. “Kat” Brooks, took over the press conference, indicating Indies Unlimited and Amazon had been in secret negotiations for a while. Evidently, the concern for secrecy was so great that neither party to the negotiations was apprised of them.

Ms. Brooks assured the public, “In spite of the new ownership, nothing will change at Indies Unlimited, other than the name of the site, the people operating it, and its content.”

She then fired several bursts from an Uzi, signalling the end of the press event.

Harper’s Radio Knob Polish

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by Harper’s Radio Knob Polish]

“Bob was asking about joining the car pool again.”

“Ugh! Have you seen his radio knobs? How can he not know about Harper’s?”

Does that conversation seem familiar to you? It should. People don’t like to look at a radio with dull, lackluster knobs.

Have bad things been happening to you lately? Maybe you were passed over for that promotion or a neighbor snubbed you. It just may be your radio knobs. Our own independent studies show that 37% of all social maladies, from littering to parking violations, can probably be traced back to neglected radio knobs.

Fortunately, there’s Harper’s Radio Knob Polish. It can restore the gleam back to even the dullest knobs. Best of all, it leaves an invigorating chemical smell. Harper’s is now available in quart or gallon sizes. Pick some up today!

Formula for a Bestselling Young Adult Paranormal Romance

Of course, yes, I know you’ve been waiting for this. Who hasn’t been? I’ve already shared with you the formula for writing a blockbuster action/adventure bestseller, a knock-em dead romance bestseller, and a spine- and pants-tingling romantic thriller. I know you’re a tad disgruntled because those weren’t your genres of choice. But no worries, here it is – the long-awaited formula for that explosive young adult paranormal romance!

I’m a step ahead of you with my credentials for this one. I bet you didn’t know I’ve secretly been writing a vampire book for years. Yeah, that’s right, I started it back in 1998 I think. So I know a few things about vampires. And I’ve seen every bloody commercial for the sparkly vampire series, whatever that’s called. The clincher, however, is that I’ve been to the Olympic Peninsula of Washington State where they filmed those movies. That’s right. So listen up.

Follow my advice below, and you’ll be instructing your limo driver to plow down those paparazzis, my friend!

Formula for a best-selling young adult paranormal romance: Continue reading “Formula for a Bestselling Young Adult Paranormal Romance”