Tag: satire

Hermit Writer’s Life Spring Edition

hermit writers life april 2014What could possibly be better than Spring time in hermit land? Sure, the rain pours in through the gaps in your moss roof, but you’re a writer – and you’re living the Hermit Writer’s Life.

In the April edition of Hermit Writer’s Life Magazine, you’ll find all sorts of innovative articles to help you think outside the box you’re living in and optimize your situation.

Our staff of successful and experienced hermit authors will provide you with the tools you need to:

  • Reinforce your roof with plastic bags and rejection letters
  • Keep bears out of your food supply
  • Smuggle liquid soap out of rest area bathrooms
  • Turn wildflowers into a pretty salad
  • Receive royalty payments without a bank account
  • And much, much more.

And of course, we always have articles for newbies who want to throw it all away, move to the woods, and write full-time. Don’t put off that move any longer! Follow your dream now! Subscribe to Hermit Writer’s Life Magazine today, and as a bonus we’ll send you the Wilderness Weight Loss Guide for free! (additional shipping and handling charges apply.)

Coming Soon: Bad Book, the Movie

bad book movie poster finalK.S. Brooks has announced she has concluded negotiations with a Hollywood film production company to sell the rights to Bad Book. The deal includes hundreds of dollars in a cash advance to Brooks. Her co-authors will receive an assortment of wine coolers and free passes to the movie when it comes to theaters in their towns.

Asked about whether the seemingly significant difference in the remuneration between Brooks and her co-authors would cause difficulties, Brooks said, “Well, they tried really hard. I didn’t want to see them come away with nothing.”

Naughty Monkey Media, the company that has purchased the rights, is best known for several modestly successful films it made in the 1980s, including: The Brunch Club, Just Say Something, Seventeen Candles, and an exercise video called The Hills Have Thighs.

Casting has not been finalized yet, but the rumor mill is running full tilt with speculation about whether Matthew McConaughey or Owen Wilson will play the lead role of misadventurer Jim Case. Hollywood buzz also suggests the movie could be a comeback opportunity for Lindsay Lohan.

Popular opinion is that Jonah Hill would be a natural for the role of bumbling sidekick, Norman, but a little bird tells us we might not be too far off to look in the direction of Oscar-winner, Dustin Hoffman, who may consider gaining 40 pounds and losing 35 years to play the part.

Naughty Monkey Media is playing it close to the chest, suggesting other casting alternatives are possible. Bruno “The Sleaze” Sleazak, acquisitions director for Naughty Monkey says, “You know in Hollywood, there is an A list and B list of actors. We are not ruling out going to the C list for this one.”

Brooks is highly optimistic about the film’s prospects for success. “As a novel, Bad Book raked in tens of dollars. I see no reason the movie couldn’t match or even exceed those revenues.”

Urban Dictionary App to Take On Chicago Manual of Style

urban_dictBecause of the growing popularity of e-books and the burgeoning population of younger readers, the Urban Dictionary, LLC announced yesterday via a YouTube press conference that it plans to release its own style guide app in 2015.

“Chicago’s just not dope enough to hang with us,” said Urban Dictionary’s founder, Aaron Peckham. Stressing the ubiquitous Chicago Manual of Style’s lack of focus on new technology, including the lexicon of text speak and urban slang, Peckham went on to say that SMUD (Stylin’ Mo’Urban Dictionary, a name based on their popular book Mo’Urban Dictionary), will be filling a huge need. Continue reading “Urban Dictionary App to Take On Chicago Manual of Style”

Hypnopotamus

Hypnopotamus BWMarketing products of any kind is challenging, and more so in a culture inured to the standard marketing techniques.

These days, you need to be able to reach your target audience quickly and effectively. You must tap into their subconscious desires to buy your product or service right now!

Genetic Research Associates, in conjunction with Nigerian Oil Minister Marketing International, is pleased to announce a breakthrough. By using the amazing mental powers of our genetically-modified hippopotamus to break through that wall of sales-resistance, the prospect becomes a customer in mere seconds.

But is it ethical? Of course it is! People can’t be convinced under hypnosis to do something they wouldn’t normally do. For instance, those people who cluck like a chicken when they’re put under – you know they must have wanted to do that, right? Who wouldn’t?

As an author, you know people want to buy your book, but some irrational process is interfering with acting on that wholesome impulse. Is that fair? Of course not. The hypnopotomus simply bypasses all that to get to YES!

$165,000 an hour might seem like a lot of money to invest in book promotion, but not if you care about your book. You do care about your book, right? Not convinced yet? Just look at that adorable hypnopotamus.

Look into his eyes.

Look deeply…