Tag: satire

Our Lawyers Are Making Us Do This: A Message from CrookTub

no thanksDear…author?

Thank you for the side-splitting laugh we had when our intern Jennifer told us that yet another indie author attempted to submit an order with CrookTub. Unfortunately, the editorial team, that is, Jennifer and Chippy, her robot chipmunk, has not selected your “book” and probably never will.

See, as a book promotion site, we get so darned many of these things. And because of, um, well, we can’t tell you that, at least without a lawyer present, we can only feature 0.1% of indie “books,” but only if they’re by Hugh Howey. We have to satisfy our subscribers’ desires for things that Oprah likes, or else how would we make any money, right? Continue reading “Our Lawyers Are Making Us Do This: A Message from CrookTub”

Banned Article: Behind the Scenes at Indies Unlimited

martins spy postStephen Hise and KS Brooks are off for the holidays so for once I’m able to submit an article without it being subject to their extreme vetting. This is the article you weren’t supposed to read. Finally I can tell the truth about what really happens here, and the rumors that have been circulating for months can be confirmed. So, please save this article on your hard drive. Once Hise and Brooks are back online denials like you haven’t heard since Rob Ford was caught on the pipe will be forthcoming. I guarantee you. Things happen here that will blow your mind, and even though we’re threatened, I mean told to “keep it all in the family”, I’m going to take a risk and break rank. Buckle up, here come the facts. Continue reading “Banned Article: Behind the Scenes at Indies Unlimited”

My Predictions for 2014

Crystal BallI assume everyone knows of my legendary prowess in making predictions. But then, I assume a lot of things. Anyway, I have a very solid reputation for being almost 90% right nearly 50% of the time.

It’s not magic that gives me what I like to call this “fifth sense.” No, I am just one of those people who can see the writing on the wall. Possibly because the teacher made me scrub it off so many times.

But I know you are all anxious to learn what horrors and joys the coming year will hold, so let us not delay a moment longer. Here are my predictions for 2014: Continue reading “My Predictions for 2014”

The First Thanksgiving

Gather around, children, and I will tell you the real story of the first Thanksgiving. You won’t find this one in any history books. Probably. If you do, you should get your money back.

A long time ago, before Columbus directed such notable films as Home Alone and Adventures in Babysitting, he set sail to the New World on his three ships, the Mayflower, the Titanic and the Andrea Dorian Gray. He had hoped to discover a shorter route to Hollywood. Instead, he landed on the eastern coast of what is now referred to as the rest of the United States.

Running low on supplies and facing a mutiny from his screenwriters, he established a colony. In this strange new land, the settlers were faced with many challenges: wardrobe shortages, poor quality catering, and witches.

Fearing a harsh winter and an increasing tax burden, Columbus sent his two bravest and most expendable scouts, Lewis and Clark, on a Westward trek to find the fabled city of cornchips, El Dorito. Of course, you know this expedition as the Donner Party, which was named after the lead reindeer pulling their toboggan.

Lacking even rudimentary GPS, Lewis and Clark quickly wandered off course and ended up in Louisiana, where they made a purchase. History does not record the exact details of this “Louisiana Purchase,” but what we do know is that neither explorer returned with any Mardi Gras beads. Draw your own conclusions.

It looked like all hope was lost for the settlement. They had no funds left with which to pay their cable bills, and had to resort to witch trials as a form of entertainment. This activity quickly got out of hand and eventually became what we know today as reality television.

Finally taking pity on the plight of these newcomers, the Cleveland Indians helped the colonists relocate to Ohio. To show their thanks, Columbus and his crew introduced the game of football to the New World.

Every November since, we have set aside a day to give thanks for the invention of football, celebrating with a feast and a nap. The traditional entree is turkey. This bird got its name from an epithet critics used to describe some of Columbus’ less successful films.

And THAT is the real story of the birth of a great American tradition. Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!