Tag: snark

Happy Holidays From Hayes and Fowler

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by Hayes and Fowler.]

The hustle and bustle of the holiday season is upon us. The chaos and confusion are only heightened by the ridiculous sales featured by otherwise reputable merchants.

Why should the cream of society wait in long lines just for the privilege of pawing through bins of last year’s fashions?

At Hayes and Fowler, we cater to the exclusive tastes of the pinnacle of society. To make your holiday season more enjoyable, we have doubled the prices on our entire inventory of fine jewelry and fashions. That should keep out the riff-raff. Remember, peace is priceless to those for whom money is no object. Happy Holidays.

A Message from Mariner Petrochemical

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by the fine folks at Mariner Petrochemical.]

As you have no doubt noticed, energy prices are skyrocketing and the government is making it more and more difficult to explore and drill for new oil. Energy demands are at an all-time high and show no sign of declining.

As fate would have it, our seas are choked with whales, a source of clean, natural, organic, and renewable energy.

Let’s face it, whales are just too big for a crowded world. Sure, they’re neat when you see them swimming in the ocean, but that’s not all they do in there, you know. You really want to swim around in that?

And though whales have a reputation as gentle and intelligent creatures, we have it on good authority that they eat people and blame sharks for it.

If you’ve ever been on a whale-watching boat and gotten sprayed with about thirty gallons of whale snot, you might not feel so warm and fuzzy about them. That is not cool, man. Not cool at all. Seriously, what have whales done for you?

So, the next time you pull into a gas station to fill up, be sure to do the smart thing and say, “Make mine whale!”

Evil Mastermind Press Announces Upcoming Release

Evil Mastermind Press is pleased to announce its upcoming release and the first in a new line of business-related books for people who have given up on success and just want to get by.

In Seven Habits of Highly Unsuccessful People, author Stephen Hise examines the life stories of numerous well-known losers and identifies the seven characteristics common to their failure.

From the story of Hubert “Swishy” Slogwell, the worst sports agent in history, to Mobutu Potapu, the only guy running a Nigerian oil scam who actually lost money, Hise covers them all.

Evil Mastermind Press will release the book as soon as just one of those lottery tickets pay off big. Be sure to watch for this one in bookstores nowhere near you!

You’re Welcome!

Pompous Ass Publishing has just issued a statement that international sensation and author extraordinaire Bob Hammond has released his latest title: Exceptional Talent: The Bob Hammond Story.

This book is the latest among hundreds (or possibly far fewer) penned by the iconic Hammond. Exceptional Talent is actually his twelfth autobiography, joining his other bestselling (supposedly) nonfiction titles like: All About Me; You’re Welcome, World; Memoir of One Very Special Guy; and Hammond, For The Win.

The book’s foreword was written by Preston Endicott-Hayes, President of the Very Prestigious Author’s Association, who says, “The inspiring Mister Hammond was born as a mere infant. Lacking the ability to write, all his very earliest works were dictated painstakingly to his mother. Who knows what gems were lost to mankind as she left the typewriter to change his diapers? One cannot help but be moved to inspiration as Hammond relates the story of his first day at school. When the teacher explained the class would concentrate upon learning reading and writing, Bob’s riposte was, ‘For my liking, you may forgo the lessons in reading, for I was born only to write.‘ And write, he has!” Continue reading “You’re Welcome!”