Fear and self-loathing, sober on my couch

Writers are sensitive folks, generally. This is good. Empathy is important and all that. This is also bad. Lots of us kill ourselves or drink ourselves to death, etc. I was thinking about this today because I started feeling really bad about myself, and then I had an epiphany.

See, I write a lot of things and some get ignored and some blow up and some just kind of exist, taking up internet space. So, anyway, what got me all bummed out was looking at my stats on Amazon. (I have yet to figure out that Jim Devitt trick that would make me the #1 bestselling writer named JD Mader or something – I love you, Jim – this isn’t about you, you’re awesome – and I WILL figure it out).

So, I was looking at my stats and I started feeling crappy. I did the KDP select program with one book (more about that on Thursday). My reviews are good. I’ve done pretty well, but it felt shitty. And then I stopped and mentally bitch-slapped myself for a moment. In far less time than it took to endure middle school, I have self published two novels, gotten this IU gig, started some blogs which I now pretty much ignore, started BlergPop with two writer friends, wrote Bad Book with Hise and Brooks, started an advice column (I have only done one so far, but people are digging it), just published an article with the biggest online fishing resource, and started a Freelance writing business. So, thought I to myself, why are you tripping you gorgeous nimrod, you?

I don’t know what it is about my personality…and I know a lot of writers like this, but I will always feel like somewhat of a failure. Stephen King probably berates himself all the time. I don’t know what could happen to make me feel like I am “succeeding” because, really, things are going pretty damn well, considering.

Now, objectively, I realize this, but it still doesn’t help when I look at my Amazon rankings and see that I am not yet the most respected writer of all time. And I don’t really get it. I don’t expect myself to be the best motorcycle rider, fisherman, Dad, husband, person, etc. Part of me, however, always feels like I should be the best writer in the world and that people should recognize this. That is an insane way to think and live your life, and yet…

So, I’m going on a little vacation soon. And sure, we’re broke, and things could be better, but things are pretty damn good and I ruin that all the time by feeling crappy about things I should feel good about. So, that’s my new year’s resolution (shh! I have no respect for calendars). I’m going to try and appreciate the things I have accomplished, the people I have met, the work I do…money will never be a fair barometer. Neither will book rankings. I’ll never top that Twilight drek.  But I’m doing OK. And so are a lot of people I know, including a lot of people reading this. And we will keep working and doubting, but I hope sometimes we stop and give ourselves a little pat on the back, too. As insane as this whole enterprise may be, at least we’re doing something, creating.

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JD Mader is a Contributing Author for Indies Unlimited and author of the novels JOE CAFÉ and THE BIKER – and co-author of the mighty Bad Book. For more information, please see the IU Bio page and his blog: www.jdmader.com (and musical nonsense here: JD Mader).  Mader’s edgier works can be found at www.blergpop.com.

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Author: JD Mader

JD Mader is an award winning short story writer and novelist. 'Joe Café' and 'The Biker' are out now, as well as 'Please, no eyes'. and the collaborative 'Bad Book'. Mader has been writing for half his life and has no plans on stopping any time soon. Learn more about JD Mader at his blog and his Amazon author page.

43 thoughts on “Fear and self-loathing, sober on my couch”

  1. You're right on the ball with that, JD. Empathy is the number one requirement for fiction writing (and parenting, and being a reasonable human being, and some other things), because without it we become insufferable muppets; at least, all the insufferable muppets I've ever met have never had a shred of empathy.

    Now go and have a great vacation!

  3. So true Dan. You are describing me – just change the titles of the books. If only we could see ourselves through the eyes of others – or even better, believe the feedback we are getting about who we are, and even about our writing.

    But I think that is one of the positive wonders about belonging to a group like this. We prop each other up when we slump. Beyond that, I think we trust the feedback we give each other more than what we get from the rest of the world – because we want to be honest as well as supportive.

    Dan, in my eyes you are a leader – of thought and of the Indie experience. I have not read your books (other than bad book) but mt ear is to the ground and I know that your readers love them. So buck up – and listen up. We love you and the world would be a bleaker place without you in it.

    1. Thanks Yvonne. 🙂 I absolutely agree with you. When I was teaching we used to do an exercise in small groups (I was really close with my students). It didn't really have a name. 'Cut the bullshit' would have been appropriate. Basically, the idea was that we never really tell people what we think of them. So, we did. We told each other everything we liked and respected about each other. And we questioned things that didn't add up. I wish everyone could have that experience. For some reason we all go through life not telling awesome people they are awesome. Doesn't make sense. So, Yvonne, I think you're the awesome. Kind, thoughtful, generous. Just an all around beautiful person. You make my day on a regular basis.

  4. I've gone through the same kind of thing. But when I turned it around and thought, what would I have to go through right now, to start from scratch to get to where I am NOW? I would say, maintain that mindset, it got you here. Just remember that emotionally, you have to take it a bit easy on yourself, at least, from time to time, and reflect on how far you've come. Like my son told me last year: "Stop thinking you're on the bottom rung of the ladder, you're not. You're at least several rungs up from the bottom." 🙂

    1. LOL. Your son sounds wise. And you're right. Starting over would be impossible. That's tough to explain to people when you're worried about money and stressing, but if I had to start all over, I don't think I would have the energy.

  6. I've got another reason for you to feel good about yourself JD – it's called immortality.

    As human beings we can't take anything with us except the love and goodwill of others. But as writers…there we are blessed with something of the divine because what we create lives on. And with the internet we have the promise that our work will be hanging around, and perhaps making someone think or laugh or cry for a very long time to come.

    So even one book is a doorway into the future and one reader is the beginning of a memory.

    -hugs-

    1. I never really thought of it that way, but I like it. Thank you. I am going to keep that in mind. Being immortal is some pretty powerful stuff. 🙂

  7. Empathy leads naturally to humility. Humility can lead to contemplations of worthiness, which leads to comparisons and then 'self doubt' finds its gaping entry way. But writers without empathy don't write anything I care to read.

    I'm glad you are fighting against the internal dialogue Mr. Mader, because no matter how loud that inside doubting voice is, it is SO wrong.

    Have a wonderful vacation my friend 😉 Don't forget the sunscreen.

  9. Advice column? Do tell- I'd like to follow that and I could be your groupie and stalk you too if that would make you feel better…

  11. Thanks, J.D. I read an article once about a famous southern author who suffered with major depression and eventually killed himself. He referred to it as a "crouching beast" always ready to spring on him, difficult to keep at bay. Many authors, myself included, deal with that beast on a daily basis. Writing is therapeutic and helps me keep my sanity. Your beautiful article and hopeful, positive words are comforting and an encouragement to keep honing our craft no matter what the rankings may say. Thanks again.

  12. Awesome. YOU are awesome. Yeah. I waste a lot of time feeling crappy about my writing. I heard a writer interviewed recently who basically said, “Nothing you can tell me is worse than what I’ve told myself just over the last thirty minutes.” So every night as I’m falling asleep, I think about everything I’m grateful for. Some days the list is long. Some days all I can say is, “I’m grateful the day’s over.” But it’s something, and it drives away those evil serpents.

    1. Thanks Laurie. You're pretty awesome yourself. That's a great quote, and I'm going to start thinking about all the good things every night.

  13. Vacation – Yea, that is helping me to realize that I am not the greatest supernatural writer of all time with a little romance thrown in. Plus it didn’t help that I got sick – again.

    So this week my hubby and I are doing day trips and then coming home for naps. 😉

    I feel so much better.

  14. I think fame is one of those things Maslow called "self-actualisation" it's fleeting, and you're constantly in search of it. BUT you all ready are famous, JD, in a way. Yeah okay, you don't have Twilight notoriety, but you are a contributor to an awesome indie blog that does more good for writers like me who don't have anything published outside a few flash fictions and I'll-conceived rants on their blog, have an awesomely funny advice column, your own title is doing well, and Bad Book should just really be made into a movie already. Point is, you're famous around here, to the people that read your novels, and to an indie community that looks at you guys as setting the bar for other authors. The money will come in time, but the fame is already there, in a roundabout, subtle sort of way.

    Enjoy your vacation and bring much bug repellent!

    1. Thanks man. I appreciate the kind words. Funny you should mention bug repellent. I have been fishing my whole life. I don't go anywhere far from home without bug spray. That's a quick way to ruin a good time. 🙂

  15. I think you speak for the masses in this article. I was nodding my head along to it agreeing mentally-you could have been describing me and many others. Empathy is important. What you also have is the respect of others like myself who read your articles because we think you are a great guy with great ideas. Sadly we can't all be top earners but I for one think you are a terrific writer. Your posts are entertaining. The Bad Book rocks. I watched the videos of it on YouTube too. I shall now spend some of my house keeping money on a copy of Joe Cafe- it may help pay for an ice cream while you are on holiday. Enjoy yourselves. Don't forget- we want photos!

    1. Thanks Carol, that's very kind of you. Thanks for picking up Joe Cafe. I hope you enjoy it. We will definitely take lots of pics and I'm sure we will bring home sticks and rocks – my daughter brings them home whenever we go anywhere. We went collecting just last night in fact. 🙂

      1. And I don't know if it's a British thing or not, I lived in England for three years when I was small. A few British-isms remain.

  17. I feel you JD, and I agree with all the warm, encouraging, empathetic words of support from a community that obviously thinks a great deal of you. Have an exceptional break and recharge the batteries.

    1. Thank you much. I wasn't expecting such an outpouring of support, but it really means a lot to me. My batteries definitely could use a recharging. 🙂

  18. I think you have figured it out. Life is good, and there are tons of things around us to prove it. Nothing beats family. My nuclear little family has always said, "We have a tent, we can live anywhere."

    I Love what your doing, thanks.

      1. Will do, Jim. And thanks. It is astounding the successes and privileges we are afforded that we don't appreciate. Every once in a while I go to get a drink of water and I stop for a second and think – wow, we have clean water piped right into our APARTMENT. What a luxury! And most people don't ever think about it. I remind my daughter how lucky we are all the time. I need to remind myself, too. We have a tent, too. A nice, big one.

  19. Dan,

    Have a great vacation.

    1. Do silly dances.

    2. Wear hats.

    3. Do not check Amazon statistics. They are controlled by the man.

    4. Don't get sun-burned.

    5. Sing songs loudly.

    6. Tim Burton will be waiting when you get back. (SHHHHH, it's a secret).

    Lois "The Haberdasher"

  20. Great post, Dan. I do sense your empathy in your writing and hope it shows up in my own.

    Like Laurie, I try to think of something to be thankful for though I do this in the morning instead of at night. I now have more than 370 things in my list. I want to write something with each one. Who knows, maybe there will be a book in there somewhere.

    And as Carol said, it's too bad we can't all be top earners, but if we add one letter to 'earners' we can all be top Learners. When we stop learning we might just as well throw in the towel and call it quits. Yeah, I know, if we stop earning we're pretty much in the same boat, only it's not voluntary. 🙂

    Have a great vacation and come back all renewed and ready to write up a storm. Lookin' forward to your next post.

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