Category: Fake-Outs

Hobo Valley Resort and Spa

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by the fine folks at Hobo Valley Properties, formerly Toxic Waste Disposal Enterprises.]

Hobo Valley Resort & Spa

Times are hard and money is tight. That’s no reason to forgo a precious and well-earned vacation in the heartland of America’s beautiful wilderness. Situated ideally between the serenity of an Air Force missile testing range and the aromatic wonders of a local hog rendering plant, Hobo Valley has cabins for rent that meet every price range.

Hobo Valley Resort and Spa is a perfect writer’s getaway. With no phones or cellular signals, and very little gunfire coming from the nearby survivalist camp after 10 PM, you’ll find all the peace and quiet you need to complete your masterpiece. Call today for prices and availability!

Introducing Author Final Solutions

Now that the feds have been adequately mollified that there is absolutely no funny business or collusion of any kind going on in the traditional publishing world, we are pleased to announce the formation of a new imprint to cater to the needs of the indie writing community.

Author Final Solutions represents a new frontier in the publishing industry. There is no longer any need to suffer the confusion and frustration of rejection by big-name publishing houses. If you have the money to show that you’re dedicated and talented enough, we’ll sign you.

A lot of people toss around the phrase “vanity press.” Author Final Solutions is a new hybrid organization that combines the functionality of a vanity press with new names for things. Sure, whatever you want to get done will cost you money—we call that author funded—but that helps us reduce our overhead, allowing us to pass the savings along to you.

We’ll run off enough of your books to fill your garage. You can take those books and try to sell them to friends and family or even bookstores! You do believe in your book, don’t you? Why, they’ll practically sell themselves. You’ll make that $50,000 initial investment back in no time at all.

By signing with Author Final Solutions, you’ll have the prestige of an imprint operated by a company that is a subsidiary to a division of a corporation that owns a controlling share in a big-time publisher. That’s practically the same thing!

And because we also believe in you, you’ll have the security of an iron-clad contract with us. You won’t ever have to worry about taking your book elsewhere. Ever.

So line up indies, and don’t forget those credit cards. We’re ready to deal with you once and for all.

Author Final Solutions is a subsidiary of Hoax House Publishing, an Imprint of Penguin Pretense Intellectual Properties, a division of Random Wreckage Litigation and Scamwell International.

Salute to the Academy Awards

Mr. Pish enjoys an Oscar victory lap through Hollywood in his limo.

In honor of the Academy Awards this past Sunday, we have a treat for you. Mr. Pish, the traveling terrier, official mascot for Indies Unlimited, and spokesdog for outdoor learning and literacy, has paid homage to the nominated movies in his own, indubitable fashion.

Even though these films represent the cream of the crop this year,  Mr. Pish sees how things could be just a little bit better.

 

Continue reading “Salute to the Academy Awards”

RelaXco Marketing Solutions

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by RelaXco Marketing Solutions, formerly known as Division 7 of the CIA.]

Hello authors. Is your book languishing on the shelves while other, less deserving books garner critical acclaim and record sales? Marketing is a tricky business, ill-suited to soulful creative types. The good news is there is now a marketing firm that can actually help you. Established by former government researchers, RelaXco uses proven brain science to help consumers sort through information overload to make the correct purchases.

With our technology unobtrusively positioned within normal-appearing commercial advertisements, not even your competitors will know the reason for your sudden success. It will be our little secret. If you doubt us, just try to come up with another reason Fifty Shades is a bestseller. We’ll look forward to hearing from you soon.