Introducing Author Final Solutions

Now that the feds have been adequately mollified that there is absolutely no funny business or collusion of any kind going on in the traditional publishing world, we are pleased to announce the formation of a new imprint to cater to the needs of the indie writing community.

Author Final Solutions represents a new frontier in the publishing industry. There is no longer any need to suffer the confusion and frustration of rejection by big-name publishing houses. If you have the money to show that you’re dedicated and talented enough, we’ll sign you.

A lot of people toss around the phrase “vanity press.” Author Final Solutions is a new hybrid organization that combines the functionality of a vanity press with new names for things. Sure, whatever you want to get done will cost you moneyโ€”we call that author fundedโ€”but that helps us reduce our overhead, allowing us to pass the savings along to you.

We’ll run off enough of your books to fill your garage. You can take those books and try to sell them to friends and family or even bookstores! You do believe in your book, don’t you? Why, they’ll practically sell themselves. You’ll make that $50,000 initial investment back in no time at all.

By signing with Author Final Solutions, you’ll have the prestige of an imprint operated by a company that is a subsidiary to a division of a corporation that owns a controlling share in a big-time publisher. That’s practically the same thing!

And because we also believe in you, you’ll have the security of an iron-clad contract with us. You won’t ever have to worry about taking your book elsewhere. Ever.

So line up indies, and don’t forget those credit cards. We’re ready to deal with you once and for all.

Author Final Solutions is a subsidiary of Hoax House Publishing, an Imprint of Penguin Pretense Intellectual Properties, a division of Random Wreckage Litigation and Scamwell International.

Author: Stephen Hise

Stephen Hise is the Evil Mastermind and founder of Indies Unlimited. Hise is an independent author and an avid supporter of the indie author movement. Learn more about Stephen at his website or his Amazon author page.

27 thoughts on “Introducing Author Final Solutions”

    1. You know, Lynne, Author Final Solutions is very selective. They only accept about 10% of all submissions. The rest forgot to include the check/credit card number with their submission.

  1. Thank goodness I’ll never have to think again… I only have one question… Will I be receiving personal phone calls about helpful upgrades? This sounds like the solution to all my publishing problems. LOL it really is sad that a number of the big 6 now refer people to services like this that they own a piece of making the scamming companies look more legit.

  2. Sounds like the fun I had already–no thanks. A garageful of books and good luck–pretty much. And they charge you an arm and a leg for your own books.

  3. Ooh, sign me up! So, do I actually have to write a book? Or can I pay to have that part done, too? I just want my name really big on the cover, like, Patterson big.

  4. At last, a solution to the author problem. Let the cleansing begin through Model Miscegenation. If God did not want them shorn, he would not have made them sheep. Beware of unauthorized author authority and wildcat dissemination. Truth shall set you free, at the right price.

  5. Very funny… You should do stand up, Stephen. Move over Jerry Seinfeld. I can just see it: the show that’s not about nothing. The Stephen Hise Show, starring EM himself ‘Stephen Hise’ and co-starring Kat Brooks, also featuring some of the talented cast of the Indies Unlimited team…

    Excellent post, Stephen.

  6. “…youโ€™ll have the prestige of an imprint operated by a company that is a subsidiary to a division of a corporation that owns a controlling share in a big-time publisher. Thatโ€™s practically the same thing!”

    Love it! Great post, Stephen ๐Ÿ™‚

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