Formula for a Romance Bestseller

The Kiss of Night
All romantic blockbusters should have smoking hot women and half naked men.

[This is a satirical article. If you want instruction on how to write a romance novel from someone who actually knows what they’re talking about, try this article. – The Administrators.]

In my last installment, I shared with you the formula for writing a blockbuster action/adventure bestseller. I really can’t believe you missed it, but in case you did, you can read it here. In this installment, I’m going to give you the top secret formula for writing the romance novel that people just can’t resist. That includes the people in Hollywood. They’re going to be banging down your door to get their hands on this one, so watch out. I hope you’re prepared for all that fame and fortune, because it’s coming!

What makes me think I can tell you how to do this? Well, sure, I haven’t actually written a romance novel, but there is romance in my novels. Also, they filmed Failure to Launch and The Wedding Crashers right near where I lived. Not good enough? I’ve won awards, for crying out loud. Whether they have anything to do with writing doesn’t matter, really. They’re awards. Be impressed and shut up.

Now let’s get to it. Follow my advice below, and you’ll be Hollywood-bound, my friend!

Continue reading “Formula for a Romance Bestseller”

12 Stars for the 12 Bestselling Books of 2012

Really not sure why I’m writing a column today…I mean, it is the End of All Things, right?

Well, anyway, since the year is winding down maybe even if the planet isn’t, it seems like an appropriate time for me to go back to the well I have gone to so many times before, and share with you some real one-star reviews on real books.

As always, I do so only as a gentle reminder that for every book ever written, somebody out there is gonna freakin’ loathe it. Continue reading “12 Stars for the 12 Bestselling Books of 2012”

Formula for an Action-Adventure Bestseller

Special Agent Kathrin Night
Every action-adventure blockbuster needs babes, guns and explosions. Special Agent Kathrin Night drawn by Artist Bernie Shuman.

Yeah, yeah, I know: I shouldn’t be sharing this for free. So, what do I ask in return? Remember me when you’re at the opening night of your blockbuster film. And…you can always make a donation using the PayPal button on this page. You can’t really put a price on the advice I’m about to give you, but give it a shot. More zeros after the number in front and before the decimal point is a good start.

I know how it goes – you’re sitting there staring at your screen trying to figure out how to make that action-adventure work-in-progress into a grabbing, mind-blowing, future bestseller. Look, I’ve been doing this a long time, and I’ve seen all the Rambo movies – so I know a thing or two. And I am now going to help you by taking the guess work out of this whole shebang for you. Follow my advice below, and you’ll be Hollywood-bound, my friend! Continue reading “Formula for an Action-Adventure Bestseller”

Ed’s Casual Friday: 5 to 1 Book Reviews

Once again I return lazily back to the review well, as opposed to actually thinking of a new idea for Ed’s Casual Friday. What can I tell you, I’ve got writing to do this week, and writers always seem to love/hate reading these things. 😉

For something slightly different, instead of just unearthing one-star chestnuts on “great” works, I’m going more economic. What follows is a list of the ten bestselling books of the decade 2000-2010 which I found on-line (at about(dot)com) – I am not claiming it is entirely accurate, but these titles “feel” about right for the period, and each author only appears once (I didn’t want the list to be all Rowling/Meyer books). Accompanying each listed book are excerpts from two reviews from the fine readers at Goodreads, one from a five-star and the other a one-star. As always, my intention in doing thusly is, as ever, only to point out that for every book every written, somebody is going to hate it.

And somebody, or a whole lot of somebodies, may well love it, too. Continue reading “Ed’s Casual Friday: 5 to 1 Book Reviews”