Tag: fake ads

A Word From Our Sponsor

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by Vibra-Buzz Ear Canal Massagers]

Your ear canals work just as hard as the rest of your body, but when was the last time you thought of your ear canals when you got a so-called “total body massage?”

Probably never. That’s why Vibra-Buzz invented the Ear Canal Massager! It’s powered by a tiny battery and provides a relaxing sonic pulse to your ear canals, bringing soothing relief from all the stress of listening to a bunch of crap all day long.

Vibra-Buzz is the same ear canal massager used by the astronauts!* Our space-age technology assures your safety and satisfaction. For a limited time, you can try the Vibra-Buzz Ear Canal Massager for as little as $29.95**. Act today, while supplies last!

*May not actually be used by astronauts.
**Price does not include shipping and handling. Batteries sold separately.

DISCLAIMER: Some users have reported mild side effects including hearing loss, seizures, unconsciousness, and death. If these symptoms should appear or persist, please discontinue use of the device and see an undertaker immediately.

A Word From Ajax Thermal Ports

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by the fine folks at Ajax Thermal Ports]

After the catastrophic design failures associated with the Death Star debacle, thermal ports got a bad reputation, and deservedly so.

Ajax has put together the best engineers in the galaxy to solve these problems and is pleased to introduce our 204-A “petite” line of thermal ports. Though just as efficient at venting plasma gas, the new 204-A is smaller and nearly impossible to hit with proton torpedoes.

Even in the unlikely event of a superficial penetration, we have taken the additional precaution of adding a P trap, to assure projectiles have no straight line to the reactor.

We are sure you’ll be satisfied with our new thermal ports and will join the many who are glad to proclaim, “It’s finally safe to build death stars again!”

Happy Holidays From Hayes and Fowler

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by Hayes and Fowler.]

The hustle and bustle of the holiday season is upon us. The chaos and confusion are only heightened by the ridiculous sales featured by otherwise reputable merchants.

Why should the cream of society wait in long lines just for the privilege of pawing through bins of last year’s fashions?

At Hayes and Fowler, we cater to the exclusive tastes of the pinnacle of society. To make your holiday season more enjoyable, we have doubled the prices on our entire inventory of fine jewelry and fashions. That should keep out the riff-raff. Remember, peace is priceless to those for whom money is no object. Happy Holidays.

A Message from Mariner Petrochemical

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by the fine folks at Mariner Petrochemical.]

As you have no doubt noticed, energy prices are skyrocketing and the government is making it more and more difficult to explore and drill for new oil. Energy demands are at an all-time high and show no sign of declining.

As fate would have it, our seas are choked with whales, a source of clean, natural, organic, and renewable energy.

Let’s face it, whales are just too big for a crowded world. Sure, they’re neat when you see them swimming in the ocean, but that’s not all they do in there, you know. You really want to swim around in that?

And though whales have a reputation as gentle and intelligent creatures, we have it on good authority that they eat people and blame sharks for it.

If you’ve ever been on a whale-watching boat and gotten sprayed with about thirty gallons of whale snot, you might not feel so warm and fuzzy about them. That is not cool, man. Not cool at all. Seriously, what have whales done for you?

So, the next time you pull into a gas station to fill up, be sure to do the smart thing and say, “Make mine whale!”