Celebrating Independent Authors
Making a superficial scan of the thousands of bloggers, promoters, DIYers and wannabe gurus on the web, we find tons of tried-and-true wisdom about how to be a writer. Even how to make money at it. Some of that advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Some of it with a huge, horse-pasture-sized block of salt. Especially if we have illusions about making money at writing.
What Does Everyone Tell Us?
What we want to hear, of course: Continue reading “4 Bits of Bad Advice for Writers”
[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by the fine folks at Hobo Valley Properties, formerly Toxic Waste Disposal Enterprises.]
Times are hard and money is tight. That’s no reason to forgo a precious and well-earned vacation in the heartland of America’s beautiful wilderness. Situated ideally between the serenity of an Air Force missile testing range and the aromatic wonders of a local hog rendering plant, Hobo Valley has cabins for rent that meet every price range.
Hobo Valley Resort and Spa is a perfect writer’s getaway. With no phones or cellular signals, and very little gunfire coming from the nearby survivalist camp after 10 PM, you’ll find all the peace and quiet you need to complete your masterpiece. They are even offering a special Writer’s Retreat package especially for Indies Unlimited readers! This includes a deluxe room with its own private outhouse, a hotplate, styrofoam ice chest (ice not included), and a complimentary welcome basket containing box of local wine and an assortment of fruits and goodies from this area. You can’t get a deal like this anywhere else! Call today for prices and availability and get to work on your next blockbuster hit!
Fine print: yes, the apostrophe is before the 's' in Writer's Retreat on purpose since we can only take one writer at a time. Rates are per person, single occupancy. We reserve the right to reject any guest upon arrival. A guest damage deposit is required and will be refunded upon departure if you leave the room in better condition than you found it. There is a broom and vacuum cleaner in the closet, just sayin'. Please do not remove the fly strips in the outhouse even if they hit you in the forehead. Not responsible for bedbugs, fleas, or other infestations guests might experience in the room. Enjoy your stay!
Yes, that’s right. Bob Hammond here once again. You all know me as a bestselling author with a larger-than-life personality. That’s right. My reputation precedes me.
That’s why I have to say, while these folks here at Undies Unlimited sure do have their hearts in the right places, I finally have to put my foot down. On them. You see, being an “Indie” doesn’t mean it’s okay to sit around in your underwear writing. No sir. Writing should be done whilst wearing a suit and a tie. We’re professionals, you know.
So, I have decided to start my own web site to champion and pioneer the way for you little Indies. That’s right. I shall call it Indies, Limited, because there will be a dress code. Let’s class the joint up a little, shall we?
And to kick off the launch of this new site – which is typographically error-free, by the way – I’m pleased to announce the release of the first new book published under the Indies, Limited label! Yes, that’s right, I actually used an exclamation point. Because you need this.
Since I have published eleventy million books, you little Indies may have quite a conundrum on your hands trying to figure out which ones are best for you. Since they’re all so incredibly good, of course. So, to make it easy for you, Indies, Limited and I have put together a smorgasbord wrapped in a buffet pushed on a dim sum cart just for you. It contains the chapter ones of all my books, at one low, low price. We’re calling it Eleventy-Million Chapter Ones. That’s right. Each chapter one has a purchase link at the end of it so you can buy the book that pleases you the most. Ah, the brilliance of that idea. I bet the Undies people here wish they’d thought of it.
So hurry on over to my pioneering new website, Indies, Limited. But make sure you’re wearing a tie. We can’t be having ruffians running about in their underwear. You’re welcome.
Are you sick and tired of people ripping off your great ideas and making millions from something you thought of first? If, like hundreds of other people, you are constantly plagued with great ideas, breakthrough thinking, and inspired vision, this book is for you!
It may be impossible to keep people from stealing your ideas, but there is a way to make sure they suffer when they do: have bad ideas instead of good ones. With the multi-billion dollar awards given out by juries in civil cases these days, it just takes one bad idea for karma to come a knockin’.
Of course, you specialize in good ideas. You don’t know where to even begin looking for bad ideas. If only there were some ready-to-use resource. International mega-superstar author Bob Hammond comes to the rescue once again with his latest book, 1001 Bad Ideas.
Skeptical? Let’s have a peek:
#38 Bathtub Toaster: You’re relaxing in a nice bubble bath when you think to yourself, boy, some toast would be really good right now. BUT the toaster is all the way in the kitchen! With the bathtub toaster, you’ll never have to leave the tub again for a bathtime snack!
#157 Adult Incontinence Product with Voice Chip: Wearers of adult incontinence products no longer need fear the risk of infection and embarrassing odors from forgetting to change their garment. Now, with voice-chip technology, whether you’re lounging around the house, playing shuffleboard with friends, or sitting in church, a loud synthetic voice will remind you it is time to change your incontinence product!
#206 Quicksand Kitty Litter: Despite what most kitty litter products claim, they do not get rid of litterbox odors. The only way to eliminate cat odors is to eliminate the cat. Quicksand Kitty Litter: Buh-bye, Puff!
#819 Extreme Adventure Cruise Titanic Reenactment: You’ve seen the movie, but are you ready to live the adventure? Combine fine dining with the adrenaline rush of near-certain death in the icy North Atlantic waters as we actually ram our ship into a giant iceberg! This is an adventure vacation you’re sure to remember if you survive!
And these are just a sample of the truly horrible ideas guaranteed to get intellectual property thieves sued into oblivion. Get your copy today before somebody else beats you to it!