Tag: snark

A Frustrated Fairy Tale

Fairy Tale Author
Fairy Tale Author

Once upon a time, there was a lovely author. She was smart, and sexy, sassy and…okay, okay, I said it was a fairy tale, remember? Anyway, she’d been writing her whole life, and finally finished her first novel. Now, this gorgeous author was alive back in the days before there was internet. Yes, I know, that was a very long time ago. You probably weren’t even born yet! But such a time did exist. Ha, ha, very funny. Yes, there was electricity. And typewriters. You’ve probably never seen one of those, have you, smarty pants?

This voluptuous writer, her dream was to have her book represented by the William Morris Agency in New York City. She sat in their waiting room when she was 15 years old, just watching the goings on. It was a magical afternoon in the city that never sleeps. She believed it was her destiny. How could she be denied?

Fast forward to the 1990s. The author’s first manuscript was complete. It was an action-adventure novel which would rival Ian Fleming and definitely kick Clive Cussler’s far-fetched ass. She was ready. She contacted William Morris. They wanted it. Months went by. The vice president had taken an interest. Three readers read it. Things were happening, indeed. Continue reading “A Frustrated Fairy Tale”

Bob Hammond, Author at Large

Hi everyone. I’m Bob Hammond. You probably know me as the author of international runaway bestselling series such as Fifty Shades of Twilight and The Hunger Game of Thrones. I’m kind of a big deal.

I’m here because I care about people—little people like you. Also, I lost a bet to Hise, but mostly, the caring thing.

The upshot is that I’ll be putting my very valuable expertise and experience at your disposal for as long as it takes for the check to clear. You’ll be getting tips and access to insights from a Diamond-level member of the Very Prestigious Author’s Association (VPAA). Don’t bother trying to look up the VPAA, you can’t. You don’t look them up—they look you up, and then only if they’re interested in you. And they’re not. Continue reading “Bob Hammond, Author at Large”

Nuking the Newbies

Authors tend to be sensitive types. Perhaps thin-skinned is more accurate. After all, it’s not that writers are sensitive to you, but as a group, we tend to bruise easily, react strongly and bear longstanding grudges with a modicum of effort.

Whatever the reason, when you get a bunch of these daisies together in a forum of any kind, conflict is likely to occur.

Writers are people whose daily craft lies in the orderly application of carefully chosen words and phrases. To see them engage each other in a manner befitting a playground quarrel is both baffling and horrifying.  It’s bad enough to see veterans going after each other hammer and tong, but when I see a newbie getting a beat-down, it really bothers me. Continue reading “Nuking the Newbies”

Advice to a First-time Indie Author

Carrot Top Plastic Surgery
How tight does it need to be?

Last week I received an email – a cry for help – from a new Indie Author. He had a number of questions about how he should proceed with his manuscript. I told him he came to the right place – because, as you know – I’ve been doing this for a REALLY long time. Here are his questions, and my responses.

The only person other than me who’s read my very first book is my Mommy. I’m a little uncertain of my skills – should I get someone outside of my family to reassure me that the book is good BEFORE I publish it? Continue reading “Advice to a First-time Indie Author”