Tag: spoof

Top Five Ways to Have an Awful Book Cover

BAD BOOK LARGEI’m constantly looking at book covers as part of my “job” here at Indies Unlimited. On top of that, I run into authors posting their covers in groups all the time, asking for input. So I see a LOT of covers. And most of them all have the same issues.

What I find most ironic is that the same people keep posting book covers with the same problems. I don’t get that. Please allow me to make something perfectly clear. And I’m not just making this up to be difficult or bossy or right. I’m speaking from experience. I used to provide my own cover art to my small Indie publisher – and because of that, I’ve taken some lumps. But I’ve also learned some important things about book covers. I share this knowledge freely, to help my fellow Indie authors. Book covers are important. We all want to make a good first impression. Book sales count on it. Continue reading “Top Five Ways to Have an Awful Book Cover”

Easy Physical Fitness for Authors

authors get fat diet-398613_960_720Yeah, that’s right. I’m an author. That means I’m cerebral. I work out with my brain, not my body, which means that my Nordic Track machine is used to hang laundry. It works quite nicely in that capacity. And now, to make matters worse, here in the Northern Hemisphere, anyway, it’s the height of Winter and that means even less moving about outside. All you folks south of the Equator – it’s too hot for you to be out and about too, right? And heap our New Year’s Resolutions on top of all this guilt – what can we do to stay in shape?

Our Laurie Boris tried to get us to start some good habits like stretching and some strange, new-fangled ergonomic stuff. All that’s fine and dandy, but I can’t really see someone like me actually making the effort to do any of it. So, in the true spirit of entrepreneurial opportunism, I’ve developed an exercise program tailored specifically for authors (and anyone who spends extended hours at a computer). Because what good is a program you won’t actually use?

That’s right, I’ve taken activities in which you participate every day and turned them into exercises! How can you go wrong? Well, duh, you can’t. Continue reading “Easy Physical Fitness for Authors”

Coming Soon: Bad Book, the Movie

bad book movie poster finalK.S. Brooks has announced she has concluded negotiations with a Hollywood film production company to sell the rights to Bad Book. The deal includes hundreds of dollars in a cash advance to Brooks. Her co-authors will receive an assortment of wine coolers and free passes to the movie when it comes to theaters in their towns.

Asked about whether the seemingly significant difference in the remuneration between Brooks and her co-authors would cause difficulties, Brooks said, “Well, they tried really hard. I didn’t want to see them come away with nothing.”

Naughty Monkey Media, the company that has purchased the rights, is best known for several modestly successful films it made in the 1980s, including: The Brunch Club, Just Say Something, Seventeen Candles, and an exercise video called The Hills Have Thighs.

Casting has not been finalized yet, but the rumor mill is running full tilt with speculation about whether Matthew McConaughey or Owen Wilson will play the lead role of misadventurer Jim Case. Hollywood buzz also suggests the movie could be a comeback opportunity for Lindsay Lohan.

Popular opinion is that Jonah Hill would be a natural for the role of bumbling sidekick, Norman, but a little bird tells us we might not be too far off to look in the direction of Oscar-winner, Dustin Hoffman, who may consider gaining 40 pounds and losing 35 years to play the part.

Naughty Monkey Media is playing it close to the chest, suggesting other casting alternatives are possible. Bruno “The Sleaze” Sleazak, acquisitions director for Naughty Monkey says, “You know in Hollywood, there is an A list and B list of actors. We are not ruling out going to the C list for this one.”

Brooks is highly optimistic about the film’s prospects for success. “As a novel, Bad Book raked in tens of dollars. I see no reason the movie couldn’t match or even exceed those revenues.”

The Automated Reciprocator

How many times a day do people ask you for advice on how to write or publish or market a book? It can get frustrating and become a time-suck. Can you imagine if you were a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, or a mechanic? You’d never be giving your time away for free, would you?

Well, here at the Indies Unlimited Laboratories, we’ve come up with the perfect invention for you: the amazing Automated Reciprocator!

This machine is so brilliant, so intuitive, and so easy to use, you’ll wish we invented it years ago – but only after you got published, right?

The directions for use are simple. Before you put it into service, however, you need to make a list of the things you need, or the things you’re willing to barter for. The Automated Reciprocator can’t help you get your due until you perform this initial step. Not sure what you need/want? Here’s a list of most commonly requested items: Continue reading “The Automated Reciprocator”