As you all know I am a friendly, helpful, and approachable guy. People have always come to me for advice—well, not advice per se, more like questions really. Questions like:
“Would you mind sitting somewhere else?”
“Where’s my wallet?”
“What are you doing outside that window?”
“When was the last time you saw the decedent?”
You know—the usual stuff. Obviously people see me as a guy with the answers. Probably not the answers you are looking for, but answers nonetheless. I’ve decided to put my amazing powers of snark at your service. So go ahead and ask a question. I will answer you. After all, it costs you nothing to ask and profits you nothing to receive my answer. Probably because IU is a non-profit organization—as far as I can tell.
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Okay, here's one that's been bothering me for years. Who determines how far apart to place the perforations in toilet paper? There doesn't seem to be an industry standard. What's up with that?
That is an excellent question, Ms. Brooks. Actually, I decide that. The lack of consistency is just one of my many distractionary tactics, like the uneven number of pink and white candies in a box of Good n’ Plenty. Thanks for noticing.
I like Good n' Plenty. That raises another question. Am I limited to only one question? Because I'd like to know whose bright idea it was to put wheat flour in licorice.
In answer to your second question, yes, you are only allowed one question. Please let me know if you have any other questions.
I figured there would be a limit. As well there should be. I know your time is extremely valuable and I appreciate the opportunity!
Who gives a rat's ass??? – And to whom?
The Rat's ass was a primitive form of currency used by the native islanders of Poo-Poo Oh-No. Sailors used these "coins" when on the island and often would have some left over when they left port. Therefore, the rat's ass, both literally and figuratively spread worldwide, though nobody gives one anymore.
Who determined which way a rabbit should rotate 😀
Actually, they rotate the other way south of the equator. Not south of your equator – south of THE equator. 🙂
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
This can be derived as a simple mathematical formula:
The mass of the woodchuck times the square root of the ambient temperature divided by the sum of the cube roots of the wood density and the woodchuck's tooth density.
How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? and do they even make those anymore?
The last I heard it was three. If it turns out they do not make them anymore and you find one, it may take more than three.
Why did they stop making the snack Doo-Dads? Can you start a campaign to bring them back?
Doo-Dads were replaced by another product line called Broccoli Crunch as part of the presidential "Let's Do Something About All These Fat Kids" initiative. Unfortunately, Broccoli Crunch has not done well in sales and will be replaced by soylent green next year.
When someone calls me a smartass, I always wonder…Just how is an arse smart? I figured you would know, since…well, you know…you are one, too! And, do birds of a feather stick together. I've never noticed a glob of birds flying by. Could they even take off? And then there's…okay, so I never grew emotionally beyond a 7 year old! Bite me!
Actually, Donkeys are quite brilliant. Few people know that at least two of them worked on the Manhattan Project. Their reputation as dumb brutes comes from a perceived difficulty in getting them fully engaged in heavy manual labor. You might notice some of the same difficulty if you ever tried having a physicist pull a plow.
Birds of a feather do stick together, but you must use the right adhesive and wait the prescribed time for it to dry.
The Item about the jack asses is true. I have talked about this on my blog. A display of unmillingness to work is actually a sign of intelligence and ingenuity. I am personally very good at this and at least as smart as a donkey, maybe even as smart as a mule.
Why does nothing rhyme with "orange?" I smell a conspiracy.
Actually Laurie, lots of words rhyme with orange. There is a huge list of these secret words in the Evil Mastermind Quarterly. No conspiracy… Go back to sleep…
I want to write a book about an old man that as he gets older looks more and more like an out of work musician. A white version of Stevie Wonder, something like that. So my question is this… Can I use that photograph?
Of course you can, but remember: This face is your future. BWHAHAHA!
Why were we born only to suffer and die?
We weren't born ONLY to suffer and die, Christopher – those are just bonuses! Buck up, little camper. 🙂
The answer Simon Wagstaff got was: Why not?
Wagstaff? That guy still owes me money!
Why do people always want to touch my hands? Shaking, I believe they call it. Am I a prophet?
I believe in your case, it is probably just so they can slip the cuffs on, and yes you are a prophet. 🙂