What do you get when you put three women who have never met, from three different countries (Canada, England and the Netherlands) together in a room for an afternoon? And what if all three belong to the same group, under the iron control of the same evil mastermind? Give up? Read and learn. Heh heh.
Yesterday we held the first meeting of the Ontario Chapter of Indies Unlimited, henceforth to be named the Secret Sisters Society. Membership will be limited to female writers who need to bond together to withstand the brainwashing and manipulation of our evil mastermind. Psst, ladies, keep this under your hats, OK? If the guys hear about it they will want in – and there goes the neighbourhood.
We had things to discuss, not the least of which was how to defenestrate the evil mastermind’s fenestres (in plain English, punch out Hise’s lights). Our conclusions will not be aired here. Suffice it to say he’s pretty well guarded. This item was deferred to the next meeting. What? Well, heck yes, of course there will be another one. (Notice we’re keeping it pg 13 here) We want to take over. And if we can’t do that we need a place to cry, snivel and complain together about how badly abused we are.
So we had to name our deferred agenda item – in code so it could not be deciphered by non-members and we would not be found out. To that end we developed a code that hides behind alliteration. This is what we came up with. (Only members will have access to the code so no one else will understand what we are talking about. You never know who to trust.) Mutinous Manipulation of Mastermind’s Management. Lol I knew you’d like it. Heh, heh. He’ll never know what hit him.
Those women writers not already inducted and hazed into membership will be referred to as Literary Ladies of Lower Lobovia. That’s so we can gossip about them in front of their faces and they’ll never know. Delicious.
Oh, yeah, we talked about death and dying but that was too sad so we dropped it before we could add another ‘D’ word to lengthen the alliteration.
When we ran out of gossip we did spend a few minutes discussing web design, SEO, writing, marketing, promotion and networking. We polished those off in about five minutes and went back to more gossip and cookies for another hour and a half. That’s a three and a half hour meeting. We really worked our butts off. (Well actually we left the impressions of our butts on our seats, same difference, right?).
What cookies, you ask, (no doubt salivating)? MY cookies. Cookies for members only. Want the recipe? No dice. You have to become a member first. We all agreed on that. No exceptions. Otherwise how will we lure people into our mutinous schemes? We have to offer something you want. And believe me, you all want my cookies. Imagine pecans, spelt flakes, spelt flour, eggs, salt, maple syrup and light olive oil, lovingly mixed, baked to golden brown perfection, not too sweet, still warm from the oven.
Want some? Come to the Sisters side. But first you must convince us you are a Worthy Woman Writer (That’s code for hungry for cookies. Notice the alliteration again?) And you must have the right body parts and be without the wrong ones. We do a strip search and a DNA check. The latter is just in case our evil mastermind has had you in his clutches for so long his DNA is infecting yours and you can’t be trusted. We can’t be too careful or our angelic plans could fall apart. We can’t take chances on a mutiny within our mutiny. We know we can’t be trusted so we have to make sure we don’t accept anyone who can.
After three and a half hours of tough negotiation we parted more firmly resolved than ever to stand united against tyranny . One is off to the UK to make sure we establish a strong presence there. One is holding the fort and monitoring things from London (No, not that London – our London, duh!) and I’m going to make sure I make a continuous pest of myself until our next meeting so we can’t be ignored.
Hey, what happened to my cookies?
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Yvonne Hertzberger is a Contributing Author at Indies Unlimited and author of Back From Chaos and Through Kestrel’s Eyes, Books One and Two of Earth’s Pendulum, an Epic fantasy trilogy. For more information please see the IU Bio page and her blog@ http:/yvonnehertzberger.com
I read that whole thing and the only two words I retained were "strip" and "search". Can I volunteer for that?
Do you have the right body parts? They are a requirement – although I suppose we wouldn't know that until after if you had a REALLY close shave first. I'll check with the sisters. Of course we do everything together, you understand.
See, this just gets better. 😀
Too funny, Yvonne. Need someone from the USA on the west coast to hold the fort down over here in Idaho? Where do I sign up?
Well, a west coast scout might come in handy. Can you pass the DNA test and survive the hazing?
Sounds intriguing Yvonne. I'm of the sisterhood but don't have the full IU membership. Still, David Antrobus and JD Mader often leave their decoder rings in odd locations so I could probably pick one of those up relatively inexpensively on Etsy. So, if you ever have a Vancouver based meeting, be sure to let me know. No cookies though. In British Columbia, it'll have to be Nanaimo bars. It's in the provincial contract. 😉
Nanaimo bars will be acceptable, as long as they are home-made. And about those decoder rings – be careful. Those guys leave them out on purpose. They are used to spy on us. Good to have another Canuck on side.
Ha, foiled again.
Gotcha!
Hmm, cookies, Nanaimo bars, hazings and strip searches, I'd better come back to Canada pdq for the next sisterhood meeting after my mission to Blighty.
As they say over there, it's all kicking off!
Darn tootin' sister.
Always late to the party, but it sounds like I wasn't invited anyway. Which in retrospect is probably not a bad thing. I've never cared much for parties. In fact, reading a good book sounds like a better deal. Although, I do tend to eat cookies while I read.
If you ever need a bouncer to sit by the door for security purposes for your meetings, just provide a book and a plate of cookies. I'll be there.
Something tells me you won't pass the DNA test. lol
I'm pretty good at tests. Especially if there are cookies involved.