Dear Benevolent and All-Powerful Person in Charge of Hiring Writers:
I am responding to your advertisement for a versatile wordsmith. I do believe I am a good fit for this position since I write suspense, chicklit, satirical, and action-adventure novels; educational children’s books; and non-fiction instructionals. You can find me, and my thirty some-odd titles (yeah, I lost count. I didn’t say I was good at math), on Amazon and other online bookstores. I have been lucky enough to have won a couple of awards for my writing, and I have enjoyed the thrill of seeing some of my books hit the tops of certain Amazon bestseller lists. I’ll be honest, not all my books are awesome – my first novel that was published back in 2001 is awful, so I suggest you don’t waste your money on it. My newer works are much, much better. Unfortunately, even as “bestsellers,” royalties of thirty-five cents per book don’t make for a great living. Yes, I’m proud to say I am a starving author. Things are so bad right now that I recently considered taking a position as an executive envelope-stuffer, but I discovered I have a debilitating fear of paper cuts.
I am also an experienced editor and proofreader. Polishing words to flow in a sleek, rhythmic manner is satisfying and rewarding to me. I have edited full-length novels, website copy, sales brochures, and even a food-porn novella. Don’t ask. It’s better that way.
Currently, I am fortunate to live in the wilderness of northeastern Washington State. From my hidden mountain lair, I plot future novels and run IndiesUnlimited.com, the highly-acclaimed site for authors. I take great pride in the Indies Unlimited site and our “non-profit not-on-purpose,” pay-it-forward mantra. We have an ardent following and were listed in Publishers Weekly as one of Six Great Blogs for Indie Authors.
When I’m not writing or manning Indies Unlimited, I gaze out at endless acres of emerald-green fir, pine, and spruce. I photograph the wildlife that passes through my yard and fantasize about pizza buffets, lobster, and other nutrition. I very much like food, and have decided it is time to get some. But alas, without money, that cannot happen. So, may I please have a job?
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Sharing all over da place!
🙂
I’m an adjunct professor, which pays more than writing but still poverty wages. So I don’t recommend that one. Try to find an advertising agency (a real one, not some online scheme). Your web skills might actually come in really useful these days. You should make at least $40 an hour freelance, maybe more. Just about everyone in that field is a frustrated novelist or artist anyway.
Yikes, one would think adjunct professorship should pay more than that. We are all pretty much in the same boat, aren’t we?
Working as an adjunct is no way to make a living. Adjuncts around here end up teaching at multiple colleges to make enough to live on — which is slightly easier now that gas is cheaper, I guess. :/
I think that sign, Will Write for Food, applies to all of us!
I think so, too! 🙂
I was considering eating a book someone left on the bus, but sadly the last of my teeth fell out last week and the plastic set I now have won’t chew anything that weighty (it was a hardback), so maybe I’ll join the club and put up a notice saying I’ll write for food, too. 🙂
As a variant I wonder if ‘I’ll read for food’ might work? 😀
Hey, it’s worth a shot, right? 😉
I second Melissa. We’re all in the same boat! But we keep on trucking. However, some day, some time, good things will happen, and I can’t think of anyone more deserving than you Kat. Best to you in 2016! And best to us all next year!
Aw, thanks, Lilian! All the best to you, too! 🙂
-hands Kat half of a choc chip cookie-
Sorry, kind of ate the other half. Got a spare sign?
You betcha!
😀
2016 has to be better, right?
Wait — we said that about 2015, didn’t we? Rats…
LOL. It’ll be different, anyway. 😉
I tell people I can write just about anything: operating procedures manuals, resumes, cover letters, ransom notes, political essays…you name it. Unfortunately the hiring deities keep ignoring me. But I feel they do so at their own risk. When either the zombie apocalypse hits or Jesus returns, I’ll be one of the few people left alive who can right instructions on how to cook a fish on a rock.
“how to cook a fish on a rock” – love it! Yes, their loss indeed!
And I’ll contribute the bit about lighting the fire to heat the cooking rocks and how to handle them without burning your paws. I could also write the one about how to cook soup in a basket (I have done this for real in the African bush, so I know it can be done).
Perhaps the Great Benevolent Writer Hirer might like to hire more than one writer? 🙂
And I could write about how to fashion a water-tight hut out of bamboo, and how to catch crabs. I think we have a team that could start their own survival web site! 😀
Ray Mears and Bear Grylls eat your hearts out! 🙂
That’s right! And when the going gets tough, you won’t find us staying at the Hilton. 😉
I can even do the ‘Talking to Presidents’ bit if Grylls is not free (or too pricey!). 🙂
All nineteen of those I have interviewed have been black and one or two even ventured onto the bush with me as Obama did with Bear Grylls. Although I couldn’t find any glaciers to show them some of them did eat the food I cooked. Some even invited me to supper! 🙂
Can’t afford the Hilton (unless someone else is picking up the tab). We’re impoverished writers, remember? 🙂
Right. Do you remember the scandal about Bear Grylls’s show “Man vs. Wild”? They were supposed to be roughing it out in the wilderness, but they were sneaking off to ritzy hotels for the night instead. I’m just saying, we would NOT do that (obviously, like you said, mostly because we can’t afford it LOL)
No, definitely no sneaking off, except perhaps to the occasional fish & chip van. But only once or twice a year. Absolutely no glitzy hotels. 🙂