Ed’s Casual Friday: The One-Star Match Game

Heck with it, let’s just have a little fun. Listed below are 26 excerpts from one-star reviews off a popular website. If anyone would care to kill some time before getting back to work on their present MIP (Masterpiece In Progress), try to match them to the books they describe. I’ll post a key later as a comment, and if there is a winner they will receive, and I can’t stress this enough, absolutely nothing.

———————–

First, here are the books:

  1. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
  2. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
  3. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
  4. The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
  5. Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot by Al Franken
  6. Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
  7. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
  8. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
  9. The Stand by Stephen King
  10. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
  11. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
  12. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
  13. A Game of Thrones by G. R. R. Martin
  14. Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
  15. Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
  16. Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery
  17. Going Rogue: An American Life by Sarah Palin
  18. The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe
  19. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone by JK Rowling
  20. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
  21. Confessions of a Guidette by Snooki
  22. East of Eden by John Steinbeck
  23. The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
  24. The Color Purple by Alice Walker
  25. Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White
  26. The Holy Bible

And on to the one-star reviews, let’s start with an easy one:

  • A.) “A odd story about a man who went crazy after he killed someone inside the house with a heart-beating sound below the floor of the house.”
  • B.) “The kids were unbelievable and the plot…what plot?”
  • C.) “I hate this book. I will read the rest of them and I know that already, but simply because I want to be able to keep backing up my hatred of this series against people who think they can convert me if I just keep reading.”
  • D.) “How anyone can say that this woman has any talent … she hasn’t got an original idea floating around in her head.”
  • E.) “This book caused me to rummage through my online “to-read” list and remove Fahrenheit 451, 1984, and Slaughterhouse Five.”
  • F.) “It’s just pages of rambling on…stuffed animals, Jenni’s boobs, wearing leopard print.”
  • G.) “And if I was Katie Couric, I would come after her with a dull kitchen knife.”
  • H.) “I find very little point in slogging through this whole thing with the films available.”
  • I.) “A racist piece of trash.”
  • J.) “If you’re an adult wanting to read something sadistic, just go read De Sade. Sure, his character development sucks too, but at least you’ll get some philosophy with your drivel.”
  • K.) “This book reeks of the patriarchy. Keep it away from your kids–especially your daughters.”
  • L.) “While it had some funny moments, even some clever moments, I can’t recall any of them, and I can only remember this as one of the stupidest books I’ve ever read.”
  • M.) “A book written by a man about a woman in a past and foreign culture which he has never been a part of tends to ring not only false, but hollow.”
  • N.) “I like philosophy, I like discussions on faith and doubt, but I did not like this book.”
  • O.) “The closest thing to a high school drama or a gossip girl-like tv show in the 19th century, it is almost like twilight without the vampire thing to it.”
  • P.) “Literarily a piece of crap–but funny.”
  • Q.) “The fact is, his work should not be marketed to the masses because he writes for a niche.”
  • R.) “I sort of felt that it was the kind of science fantasy that someone writes when they don’t actually like speculative fiction.”
  • S.) “The good-hearted poor boy meets the good-hearted beautiful girl, who’s involved with the bad-hearted, controlling man. Whatever will happen?”
  • T.) “Made me stressed and depressed. This is probably one of the reasons my brain chemicals started on a downward negative spiral.”
  • U.) “The world’s most boringst book ever. I remember there being a whorehouse and thats about it. not worth reading.”
  • V.) “I’m afraid to say this out loud since it will probably make it impossible for me to ever get a Canadian passport but I really can’t stand this book.”
  • W.) “If anything, it seems anti-feminist and anti-masculist. Frankly, it’s just gross and annoying.
  • X.) “The “Haunted Forest”? – we came up with better names for our D&D adventures when we were only 13!“
  • Y.) “There are about 40 pages of suspense buried in here, but the mystery is dumb, the solution both obvious and un-earned, the dialogue stilted, and the characters completely uninteresting.”
  • Z.) “Badly edited, poor continuity and internal consistency…Plot is cliched and thin, with virtually no character development.”

*     *     *     *     *

M. Edward McNally is the author of the Norothian Cycle books: The Sable City, Death of a Kingdom, and The Wind from Miilark, and multiple free short story volumes titled Eddie’s Shorts. He has been writing for twenty of the last thirty years and does not recommend the ten year spell of writer’s block in the middle. Ed is a contributor at Indies Unlimited (IU Bio Page) and tilts at his own windmills over at http://sablecity.wordpress.com/

[subscribe2]

Author: M. Edward McNally

Epic fantasy author M. Edward McNally is a North Carolinian of Irish/Mexican extraction. He has a Masters in English Lit from ISU and Russian/East European History from ASU. He grew up mostly in the Midwest along I-35 northbound (KS, IA, MN), and now resides in the scrub brush surrounding Phoenix AZ, where the scorpions and javelinas play. Learn more about Ed at his blog, and his Amazon author page.

36 thoughts on “Ed’s Casual Friday: The One-Star Match Game”

  3. G = 17

    E = 8? If so, I kind of get the connection (dystopia), but they're all actually, um, different.

    F = 21 (does Snooki have a last name?)!

    Notice I only get the pop culture stuff.

    I'm actually afraid to find out what the "racist piece of trash" is. If it's To Kill a Mockingbird, I'm going out back with the shotgun, game over, man.

      1. Oh god, what have I done? Well, I'm a man of my word, and it's been nice knowing you all. Off to perform my final Hemingway tribute now…

        (Good point re: Snooki. The best part is that she's not even Italian!)

        (To Kill a Mockingbird. Sigh.)

  5. Okay, I think some of these are right:

    1. L

    2. O

    3. C

    4. T

    5. P

    6. M

    7. S

    8. E

    9. Y

    10. R

    11. Q

    12. B

    13. X

    14. Z

    15. W

    16. J

    17. G

    18. A

    19. D

    20. N

    21. F

    22. U

    23. H

    24. I

    25. V

    26. K

  8. The one about patriarchy has to be A Wrinkle in Time, although that's patently untrue. I don't know if I've ever read a more feminist book.

  9. T.) “Made me stressed and depressed. This is probably one of the reasons my brain chemicals started on a downward negative spiral.”

    LOLOLOLOLOL

  11. I sorted out the ones for Brave New World, Tell-Tale Heart, and whateverthehellSnooki'sbookiscalled. I would guess that 'Twilight without vampires' is Pride and Prejudice and that the 'racist piece of trash' is either Gone With the Wind or the Color Purple. N is the Bible, maybe, and I suspect that the 'Haunted Forest' comment is not only inane but factually incorrect, referring instead to the Forbidden Forest in Harry Potter.

    I could go on, but then I wouldn't get anything accomplished today, and I'm already running behind.

    Thanks for this, though. It's interesting. 🙂

    1. Let's see, you got P&P as "Twilight sans vamps," Gone with the Wind was "racist trash." But the Bible's not N., and "Haunted Forest" is correct for the book it refers to. 😉

      1. Perhaps the one reviewer has a few more functioning brain cells than I was willing to give credit for. 😉

  12. I think the Bible is Z. Seriously, someone should have worked harder making Jesus more important as a character. He just changed civilization as we know it.

  13. I recently received two 1*s for one of my free eShorts with one asking for her money back had it been free and it's put her off my writing for life… see your list made me feel I was in good company. I wasn't bothered by my 1*s, by the way, and even clicked the 'like' button. 🙂

    1. It's always a good exercise to look up your all-time favorite book on any site, and read what will probably be hundreds of one-stars. Can't please everybody. 😉

  14. Oops, spaced on the answers yesterday, here we go:

    1.) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy(l)

    2.) Pride and Prejudice(o)

    3.) The Hunger Games(j)

    4.) The Brothers Karamazov (n)

    5.) Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot (p)

    6.) Memoirs of a Geisha (m)

    7.) Water for Elephants (s)

    8.) Brave New World (e)

    9.) The Stand (q)

    10.) A Wrinkle in Time (r)

    11.) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (y)

    12.) To Kill a Mockingbird (b)

    13.) A Game of Thrones (x)

    14.) Twilight (c)

    15.) Gone with the Wind (i)

    16.) Anne of Green Gables (v)

    17.) Going Rogue: An American Life (g)

    18.) The Tell-Tale Heart (a)

    19.) Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (d)

    20.) The Giving Tree(k)

    21.) Confessions of a Guidette (f)

    22.) East of Eden (u)

    23.) The Lord of the Rings (h)

    24.) The Color Purple (w)

    25.) Charlotte's Web (t)

    26.) The Holy Bible (z)

  15. 26 z reminded me of a medieval studies course I took in college. The Bible was one of our textbooks, and the professor was appalled to find a typo while we were discussing Genesis. He perseverated on it for a good ten minutes, then the next day brought in a letter to the publisher, which he insisted that the entire class sign.

Comments are closed.