Tag: snark

Think Big

Last month, I posted about how to use your vacation time wisely and sell books. This month, I have some incredible opportunities for you. You need to get your name out there. So let’s look at how the big PR companies market stuff, and see how we can do it on a shoestring budget:

You might have seen those Double Decker buses with huge posters of the latest film slapped on their sides. Apparently, buses are seen by millions of people a week, so advertising on them seems sensible. I ascertained that it costs about £50 a week (minimum 4 weeks advertising) to advertise on the little space at the back of ordinary single deck buses. With my super scrimper method, you can advertise for a fraction of that cost. Continue reading “Think Big”

Introducing Auto Fame

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by PseudoData Laboratories]

Authors, you have enough to worry about without spending time looking for an audience. Here at PseudoData Laboratories, we have the perfect solution for you.

Auto Fame is an exciting new program that can build your sales and readership, allowing you to focus on writing your next bestseller!

In the olden days, authors had to rely on actual people personally buying copies of their books in order to make it onto the most prestigious bestseller lists. What a hassle.

Thanks to technology, those days are gone. All that’s required now is money! With enough money, we can get your books onto any bestseller list. You produce the books, we’ll produce the “fame.”

At PseudoData, we have banks of virtual “people” who can buy and favorably review your book, making it appear as though your book is the best thing since sliced bread. All you have to do is give us the money* to buy enough copies of your book to make your dreams come true!

Remember, time is money. If you’re not giving us your money, you’re wasting your time.

*Other charges, surcharges, service fees, and premiums may apply. Actually, we’re pretty sure they will apply.

Hobo Valley Resort and Spa

[Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by the fine folks at Hobo Valley Properties, formerly Toxic Waste Disposal Enterprises.]

Hobo Valley Resort & Spa

Times are hard and money is tight. That’s no reason to forgo a precious and well-earned vacation in the heartland of America’s beautiful wilderness. Situated ideally between the serenity of an Air Force missile testing range and the aromatic wonders of a local hog rendering plant, Hobo Valley has cabins for rent that meet every price range.

Hobo Valley Resort and Spa is a perfect writer’s getaway. With no phones or cellular signals, and very little gunfire coming from the nearby survivalist camp after 10 PM, you’ll find all the peace and quiet you need to complete your masterpiece. Call today for prices and availability!

Introducing Author Final Solutions

Now that the feds have been adequately mollified that there is absolutely no funny business or collusion of any kind going on in the traditional publishing world, we are pleased to announce the formation of a new imprint to cater to the needs of the indie writing community.

Author Final Solutions represents a new frontier in the publishing industry. There is no longer any need to suffer the confusion and frustration of rejection by big-name publishing houses. If you have the money to show that you’re dedicated and talented enough, we’ll sign you.

A lot of people toss around the phrase “vanity press.” Author Final Solutions is a new hybrid organization that combines the functionality of a vanity press with new names for things. Sure, whatever you want to get done will cost you money—we call that author funded—but that helps us reduce our overhead, allowing us to pass the savings along to you.

We’ll run off enough of your books to fill your garage. You can take those books and try to sell them to friends and family or even bookstores! You do believe in your book, don’t you? Why, they’ll practically sell themselves. You’ll make that $50,000 initial investment back in no time at all.

By signing with Author Final Solutions, you’ll have the prestige of an imprint operated by a company that is a subsidiary to a division of a corporation that owns a controlling share in a big-time publisher. That’s practically the same thing!

And because we also believe in you, you’ll have the security of an iron-clad contract with us. You won’t ever have to worry about taking your book elsewhere. Ever.

So line up indies, and don’t forget those credit cards. We’re ready to deal with you once and for all.

Author Final Solutions is a subsidiary of Hoax House Publishing, an Imprint of Penguin Pretense Intellectual Properties, a division of Random Wreckage Litigation and Scamwell International.