In an age where yesterday seems like it was only 24 hours ago, it is almost dizzying to realize that at this very moment, scientists are already working on the problems of tomorrow. Clearly they’ve given up on the problems of today. Undaunted by their failure to deliver on the promised Jetsons-style flying car, science now boldly moves beyond teaching monkeys to smoke and putting sleeves on blankets.
Digital technology has changed the way books are written, published, distributed, purchased, rated, and ignored. Thanks to science, it takes less time than ever before for an aspiring author to become disillusioned. The two things we know about people is that 1.) They do not like the way things are, and 2.) They hate change. This is why science stopped listening to people a long time ago.
Being a fully accredited Evil Mastermind, I have access to what the boys in the lab over at Roswell have planned for you. These changes will impact you as an author, extending to you a veritable panoply of new technologies designed to make your life easier, and failing miserably in that regard. Here are just a few of the wonderful gadgets coming your way:
1. Increased Sensory Functionality
Let’s face it, books used to be roughly tied with museums as a form of entertainment. Once moving pictures came along, authors lost a huge market share. Technologies are coming into play even now that will allow an author to incorporate a book trailer into an eBook, and even to blog directly through the book to the readers who have purchased it. While these measures will greatly improve stalking abilities, they miss out on the big picture. It is not only the sights and sounds that move people. Science shows that it is the sense of smell that has the strongest link to memory. The eBooks of the future will capitalize on this knowledge and render the reading experience better than ever before!
2. Autopirate
Let’s face it, if your work isn’t good enough to steal, maybe it’s just not very good. Still, digital piracy is hard work, involving multiple steps. If digital piracy could be made easier, you could soon be joining the ranks of the indignant and outraged, instead of wondering what’s wrong with you. The new autopirate function key allows literary bootleggers to swipe more books in less time, giving you an extra shot at fame!
3. Bad Review Rebuttal
One of the banes of the authors’ existence is that people sometimes will give a book a bad review for no reason at all. Some people are just mean. Today, there is very little an author can do to impart to a reader the importance of giving a thoughtful and positive review. The technology of the future will finally meet this pressing need.
Bad Review Rebuttal Functionality will allow an author to interact with a reader who posts a bad review to encourage them to reconsider. This combination of Transformers technology with e-readers will finally connect authors with their audiences in a whole new way.
4. The Hands-Free E-Reader
Traffic enforcement officials are very big on distraction-free driving. No phone calls, no texting, no reading, blah, blah. The truth is, with all the gadgets they pack into cars these days, it’s the driving that’s the distraction. Well, here is a handy way to get around those pesky laws and ordinances and still enjoy your copy of Bad Book (now available at Amazon for the amazingly low price of just 99 cents).
5. The Auto-Writer
One of the big pains about being an author is the arduous process of translating your thoughts into words and sentences and paragraphs. Today, we are chained to our keyboards, and those of us who type like sloths on Sominex are at a distinct disadvantage. Why, lots of times, my brain has gotten all the way to the end of the book I’m writing while my fingers are saying, “Hold up a sec. What was that thing you said before the other thing?”
Why not skip all that and just go directly from your brain into the computer? The autowriter will scan your mind and write out what you are thinking. You might wanna make sure your spouse isn’t around when you use this one. Just sayin’.
These are just some of the wonderful advances science holds in store for the future of authors. Yes, the future looks bright indeed to those few who can keep up with the technology. I guess for the rest of us, we can always pursue a career as scientists and just screw with everybody else.
* * * * *
Stephen Hise is an author and the Founder and Evil Mastermind of Indies Unlimited. For more information, please see the IU Bio page and his website: http://stephenhise.com/
Great post, as always Oh Great Evil Genius.
I like the idea of tapping directly into my brain-it would cut out all the broken finger nails and swollen fingers. however since I think about twenty different things simultaneously it could lead to confusion…dinner menus appearing halfway through a thrilling passage or a random thought 'Did I lock the car?' or a sudden recollection of an appointment to the gynecologist…could be a flawed plan.
That's already how I write, Carol – the transition should be seamless. 🙂
Fantabulous. Thanks, Stephen! So…those e-card companies that send out "uncomfortable greetings" like, "Sorry I gave you herpes," could make a mint on canned bad-review rebuttals…not that I'm ghostwriting any of those…no way. Or…am I?
Now I am hesitant to open that card from you, Laurie. 😛
Hilarious!
Glad you enjoyed it Scott. 🙂
I personally cannot wait to send out my robot to choke readers into giving me reviews in the first place. Three stars are better than no stars! And can we hook up that autowriter while we sleep, please, and stop wasting all that time?
By all means you should use the autowriter while you sleep. NEVER NEVER in the bath. That was a lesson learned the hard way.
You mean there was hair under that hat before?
Brilliant. Is there an adjustment on the Bad Review Rebuttal Robot which can actually SQUEEZE a review out of someone who has yet to write it? I'd definitely go for that one! Brilliant stuff, Evil Mastermind.
You bet they do, Kat. I think these things are gonna make me more money than my boil-in-bag toast!
Excellent.
🙂
Impressive, most impressive.
Dear Sir,
I need a low-voltage zapper to punish people who are consistently combative and rude on the internet. They must be punished. Please invent this.
Your Faithful Servant,
Lois
A bath-side toaster makes a wonderful gift.
Oh, boy! I knew I shouldn't open this one! Now I have more to worry about.
–Autopirates instead of carjackers.
–Smell-a-book (excuse me while I go change the cat's box).
–Change and the lack of it or need for it or…
–and OMG the brain-reader! How the heck do we edit that mess? Maybe there's an auto-sort that moves the stories into their own places so that we don't have total havoc?
Ugh. I need chocolate. Or, maybe Margaritas–after all is Seis de Mayo (that's just cinco + uno, after all). If you'd just use your brainer scanner, you'd know what I meant, now wouldn't you?
My fav is "The two things we know about people is that 1.) They do not like the way things are, and 2.) They hate change. This is why science stopped listening to people a long time ago."
So true, great poo-bah! Well done!
I'm sure science had you in mind when it invented all these things, Linda. 🙂
During a 5 hour drive during which my 12 year old granddaughter talked the ENTIREEEEEE time, she finally said, "I should start my own business!"
My response, "As long as it involves sound proofing it'll be a success."
She put hands on hips. "I think I'm insulted."
Now I know how she felt!
I LOVE it… Sharing!!!
Thanks Valerie. 🙂
Resistance is futile.
Not only futile, but more than a little annoying. 😉
Looking forward to either the auto writer or perhaps cloning so I can send my hairless doppelgänger to suffer the indignities of employment whilst I stay at home smoking and typing.
Ah, that's the life!
I'm auto-pirating this with my widget as I write this, muwahaha. it will be at http://paper.li/f-1322418561
At last! I'm somebody!!!
Another out-of-this-world gem come to earth (kinda like moldavite). But I would've like to have gotten in on the ground floor of investing in that boil-i-bag toast idea.
oh well. Too late now. 🙂 You should really teach at the post-graduate level. Students might be ready for your wisdom & expertise by then (even if their grammar & spelling remain somewhat under par in many cases. Love your style!
Stephanie, it is never too late to invest in my boil-in-bag toast idea. In fact, it's still on the ground floor. It never left the ground floor. Probably something to do with the Masons or The Rand Corporation. 😛
Thanks for your comment. Glad you enjoyed the post.
Jules Verne is rolling in his grave – laughing. Let the future begin.
I had originally planned for the future to start the day after yesterday, but today keeps getting in the way.
I choose the past, please.
All well and good, but the past un-chose you, or you wouldn't be in the present!
Ah you evil man. How dare you make me laugh so hard? Don't you know that people with weak bladders should never indulge in anything more strenuous than the odd chortle?
Lovely, lovely, lovely!
Thanks AC. Glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
Excellent ways to become a best selling author! I appreciate the evil genius you present. May I suggest an idea? If we can somehow employ the Auto-Writer on OTHER people’s brains, and steal their books before they wrote them, we can expand our horizons, don’t you think? They would not be able to prove they wrote them first!
So right, Ilil. I am sick and tired of people stealing my ideas before I have them. Jaws, Jurassic Park, Bridget Jones’ Diary? My ideas! Star Wars? Mine. Well, not the three prequels – that was all Lucas.
I so sympathize with you, what a shame to have stolen your great ideas! I had a slightly similar scenario – would you believe my ideas were stolen even before I was born? I can understand Margaret Mitchell stealing Gone with the Wind from me, she was not quite honest, but can you imagine that Charlotte Bronte stole Jane Eyre from me? A pastor’s daughter, no less, who would have thought she was such a pirate…