Today we have a sneak peek from the humorous self-help book by Carol Wyer: Grumpy Old Menopause.
Have you started to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them? Do you need to change your underwear after every sneeze? Guess it’s time to read this book then. It’ll help you get through “that” time in your life with a spring in your step and a smile on your face. With numerous suggestions, sensible advice and amusing anecdotes, Grumpy Old Menopause will help you sail through that tricky part of a woman’s life with ease and humour. It should prevent you from turning into Mrs Crabby or worse still, a demonic monster.
Here is an excerpt from Grumpy Old Menopause…
The menopause can make us do mad things but we can use it to our advantage too. Having spent several decades being generally chirpy and happy-go-lucky, losing “my rag” had led to some positive results in recent years. When I snarl, my hubby runs about and prepares dinner for me or pours me a glass of wine. (Very wise move, on his part.) Frighten your own unruly kids or husbands by standing in the kitchen holding a knife and staring into space like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. They’ll soon ask if everything is okay and help with the cooking.
Signs you might be experiencing the menopause – Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
Moving away from anger and all those negative emotions that wash over you, to some of the wonderful delights that you might experience as your body changes.
Remember when you were a teenager and all the boys in your class used Clearasil to get rid of their spots, but you didn’t need to because you just bloomed and had peachy skin? It could be your turn to need Clearasil. While the rest of your body gets older, your skin decides to go through a late stage of puberty, and you may develop acne.
Fiery spots will appear for no good reason and of course, they will appear on days when you really don’t want them to, like your child’s wedding day, and for good measure, they will appear in the most prominent place possible – usually, near or on your nose. Even with extra strong foundation, layered on with a trowel, you will see the crimson spot shining. If you get a hot flush it will even glow. Sounds like Rudolph the Reindeer could have been female.
It is best to wash gently twice a day than to scrub away at the spot vigorously, every morning. Please avoid squeezing it, as tempting as that may be. You could spread it. (Yes, I did!)
It will calm down. Acne isn’t caused by poor hygiene. In this case it is most likely caused by your hormones. (They are to blame for so much.)
If you need to go out and don’t want everyone to see your spot, then wear a ski mask or wrap a scarf tightly around your face. This method works well during cold weather but, of course, if it is summer, you’ll look a total idiot. You could always invest in some leatherette trousers and a motor bike helmet, then you’ll look like a cool cougar, and no one will realise that you are hiding a prize zit. (Might look a bit daft if you get into your Yaris still wearing the helmet.)
Question: Why did the police stop the greasy teenager?
Answer: It was just a spot check.