I assume everyone knows of my legendary prowess in making predictions. But then, I assume a lot of things. Anyway, I have a very solid reputation for being almost 90% right nearly 50% of the time.
It’s not magic that gives me what I like to call this “fifth sense.” No, I am just one of those people who can see the writing on the wall. Possibly because the teacher made me scrub it off so many times.
But I know you are all anxious to learn what horrors and joys the coming year will hold, so let us not delay a moment longer. Here are my predictions for 2014:
1. The Facebook marketing team will switch to using Twitter, since no one on Facebook can see their posts.
2. As the only remaining profitable part of the publishing business, Author Solutions will buy out the rest of the big ink publishers.
3. Amazon’s own publishing labels will sue it for removing reviews on its books without explanation.
4. A software company based in Utah will produce a parallel internet in which all the bad words and naughty pictures have been removed. Launched to much public acclaim, it will fail from lack of interest after the first month.
5. The first Amazon drone (Bezos-1) will be launched. Unfortunately, it will be using an experimental propulsion system which opens a singularity. It will crash outside Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.
6. Tired of people treating EPUB as the Beta-Max of e-reading platforms, Nook, Kobo, and Sony will join forces to develop a new e-reader, called the Nookbony. Sadly, the prototype was shipped as the cargo on the Bezos-1.
7. In an ill-fated revenge bid against bookstores with coffee bars, Starbucks begins selling books and changes its name to “StarBooks.”
8. Not to be left out, Smashwords announces the opening of a “virtual coffee bar.” Unfortunately, a little old lady in Duluth, MN, will spill very hot virtual coffee on her lap and sue Smashwords for twenty bazillion dollars.
9. Still casting about for a profit center to prop up its flagging stores, Barnes and Noble will install dance poles in their erotic book sections. Admission will require a cover charge and a two drink minimum.
10. Indies Unlimited will purchase and place 1000 book vending machines, stocked with indie titles, in various places throughout the US. All the machines will be stolen by someone described as wearing a penguin costume. Police will remain baffled.
So, that’s what’s coming this year. Or it might be something sort of like that, or very different. Plan accordingly and have a great 2014.
And this is why we all worship at your feet. 😉
Really? I assumed everyone was down there looking for a dropped contact lens. 😉
What!? You mean that visional clarity isn’t perfect. Does my hero have clay feet??
Pfffttt! I didn’t say I dropped it. 😛
;>)
Well done, sir. Happy New Year, you guys!
Thanks, Barry. Happy New Year to you. 🙂
Haha. Love the predictions. The best prognostication I’ve seen about 2014 so far.
Definitely, I’m going to try to get into Starbooks. 😉
Thanks, RJ. 😀
Right off with # 1, right on 🙂
Heh. 😉
I admit, I had some trepidations in terms of the coming year but no more. Now I can hardly wait. One of my greatest aspirations has been to see one of my books sold via vending machine. Thanks for the hints of what to look forward to in 2014.
The “vending machine” could probably be more accurately described as one of those crane and claw-type dealies. Still…
😉
There’s a few predictions being made about the publishing industry and associated endeavours of late… some of them have to bear fruit, surely? Have a great New Year, Stephen.
Of course they will, T.D. In fact, I’ll come back and change all my predictions to match what actually happens. That should make people feel more confident! 😀
A very happy new year to you as well, T.D.
A great post Stephen, lots of fun to read. I liked #10 – until the penguin showed up 🙂 and ruined our Indie dreams of mass distribution. Happy New Year to everyone at indies Unlimited.
Will no one rid me of this troublesome penguin? Thanks, Elisabeth. Glad you enjoyed it. Happy new year to you, too. 🙂
It’s good to know what to expect in the new year so thank you.
Wishing you all the very best for 2014 Mr HIse, peace, love and happiness to you and your family and all at Indies Unlimited. 🙂
Thank you, Ms Carden, and a very happy and prosperous new year to you. 🙂
I like #6 – however I must stress to your readers that using a singularity as a means of transport without a properly controlled event horizon could cause a quark-level shift in the surrounding super-string elements whose ultimate effect would be to turn all the beer in the world flat. And we wouldn’t want that, would we? So just play safe out there, boys and girls!
Happy New Year, EM. All the best to your awesome self 🙂
#5 – damn and blast it, #5 🙂
Happy new year to you, Chris!
Where’s a gargleblaster when you need one?
You are the King of Snark, EM! Lovely. 🙂 However I do have a question regarding those vending machines – wouldn’t it be simpler to burn our books onto CDs that customers can install when they get home?
Happy New Year from your faithful minion. 😀
I think kids today would ask, “What’s a CD?” Happy new year to you too, A.C. 🙂
Gah…I think I just flashed my pantaloons. Flash drives? Are they passe too? -grumble-
Lol, looks like 2014 is going to be even more interesting than I thought. Not for Bezos-1…or will it? 1947 will be though.
Heh. Happy new year, Dale. 🙂
The Bezos-1 thing explains a lot. Thanks for the heads up, EM, and happy 2014!
A happy and prosperous new year to you, Lynne. 🙂
Hell with 2014. I’m going to stay right here where it’s nice and safe in 1966.
1966? If you’re going to hang around back there, could you send me a Shelby Cobra? And if Raquel Welch happened to be in it, that would be okay, too. 😉
Ha! Love it. Although I felt reasonably certain that Kat would shoot down Bezos-1.
Shhh. I don’t want anyone to know I have guns. 😉
I sooo needed a laugh. Thank you! Looking forward to 2014 with fresh eyes now! 🙂
Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it. 🙂