Guest post
by Kenyon Ledford
Submission is a hideous word. In the fight world, it means, “You just lost.” In other circles it means that someone is quitting, giving up, docile, meek, a loser. How wonderful for us writers that each time we want to send out a piece, we have to visit the magazine’s online site and click “submission.” It’s almost like being on the gallows after a long manhunt: “I give up. This is futile. I submit. Kill me now.”
Fortunately, some magazines make the effort to entertain us before they slaughter us. In fact, I’ve belted out some huge guffaws reading some magazines’ online submissions rules.
For instance, the Jersey Devil Press warns writers who don’t follow the rules that they “will most likely be met with a severe and perpetual frowning upon and potentially a cursing of your name.”
The Molotov Cocktail is a bit more stern, telling writers what kind of stories not to send: “If you send any of these, they will make us want to punch you in the face.” They go on to tell unpublished writers not to mention that they are unpublished. “If you hope to make us your first, we would prefer seduction over pity-(coitus)”
Some instructions are funny without trying to be. For instance, if you plan on submitting to the Vestal Review, they would like you to know that they love humor submissions:
“Vestal Review is a magazine for flash (short-shorts) fiction. We realize that there are different definitions of what a flash story is and all of them have merit. In our definition, a flash story is no longer than 500 words and it has a plot. If it’s longer than 500 words and/or has no plot, we are not interested. We are also not interested in porn, racial slurs, excessive gore, or obscenity. On the other end of the spectrum, no children’s or preachy stories either, please. Our target audience is people over 18, so R-rated content is OK, but not X-rated. Most genres, other than children’s syrupy romance or hard science fiction are accepted, and we love humor.” Yeah, sounds like it!
Sometimes, authors aren’t sure if their story is right for a particular market. Space Squid makes it easy for them: “Note: Space Squid will no longer read humor stories about aliens abducting and raping people. Seriously, every third submission we get is like that and we believe that, although very profound for abductees, these have nothing left to say to the rest of us.”
Defenestration is an online journal that spells out their submission process in three simple steps:
A: You complete your masterpiece; it’s hilarious.
B: You convert your masterpiece into electrons, which are beamed to the cortex of a giant robot via lasers.
C: The robot vomits the submission into the editors office. Judgment is passed. Dreams are crushed. Dynasties are forged.”
They would also like a brief biography with the submission, and quite frankly, they don’t care what it says: “We don’t care if your biography is full of lies. If you want to tell us that you live on the moon and once punched koala in the face, be our guest.”
The Escape Pod would like your email address. Your MAIN email address: “If you give us three email addresses and say ‘Use this one on Tuesdays, and this one when Neptune is ascendant,’ we’ll probably forget.”
Hey, nobody wants the hangman telling them knock-knock jokes while he’s fitting a noose around their neck. However, when committing the painful act of submission, a little gallows humor sure helps.
Kenyon Ledford lives on the moon and once punched a koala in the face. You can learn more about Ken from his Amazon author page and his website.
Loved this post! I may have to have a little fun with a few flash fiction submissions.
Yes, flash fiction is the finger-food of the writing world! A lot of these sites respond rather quickly. Jersey Devil Press used to reject me daily before finally accepting one.
Are their rejections as entertaining as their submission requirements?
That is a great question! No.
Why do you hate koalas, Kenyon? 🙂
“Crocodile Dundee” was already taken, Al. I’m going for “Koala Kenyon”
And thanks for replying you guys, and saving me from being a pathetic Billy No-Mates
What an amusing post. Having been an editor in charge of receiving submissions for a publication, I’ve seen some nutty things. Clearly, these poor souls have faced some challenging submitters.
As an aside, I thought people who lived in West Virginia and drove to DC daily had the longest commutes. They’ve got nothing on you up there on the moon. You probably telecommute, eh? 🙂
Thanks, RJ. I don’t telecommute. I astro travel
I love it! Snappy! You are good!
That was enjoyable to read the amusing ways editorial staffs get their point across!
Submission has also taken a beating from the women’s movement of the 60’s & 70″s–and to the present! When my husband reads from scripture that “a wife submits to her husband” during weddings that he performs (as a pastor), he likes to then make the aside that he can feel the collective blood pressure of all the women in the room go up!
Go forth and submit!
Concur!
Hey Kenyon, It’s mum.
Dinner is ready in 5, can you please come down and set the table.
Thank’s dear.
Kenyon, the piece was great, and this comment was even better.
I agree, Pete. Oh, Cheers, mum! Just logging off the porn now.
Ha! Love it. Must be so hard to cull through “submitted” pieces (gulp, I’m going to cringe whenever I see that word now). Sounds like they decided to have a little fun with it. Better than a jellyfish tentacle in the eye.
Better than a jellyfish tentacle in the eye.
Don’t knock it…
Great article, Kenyon. I’m a coward when it comes to submissions, but this was so funny I’m tempted to give a couple of those sites a try just for fun. 😀
Thanks for your reply! I’m not a submissions coward, I just hate the time it takes to load a huge wad of rejection into my rifle barrel bending right back at me.
Submitting is like the lottery, except it’s free. If you buy a lottery ticket, you may win the lottery and a chance to become cozy with relatives you didn’t even know you had.
If you submit a piece, you have that feeling for a couple of months that you have won the literary lottery. Until they reject you. Then you just have that feeling that you suck. However, that passes, doesn’t it…?
-giggles- I hate to break it to you but I’m an Indie so I don’t /have/ to submit. 😀
I did do it once, just to prove to myself that I could overcome the fear. Now submissions are like those scary rides at fun fairs – do ’em once and never again!
To be serious about submissions, I find it hilarious when a publisher STILL wants you to send in a MS printed on paper, typed out on one side only, double-spaced with huge margins. Why? Are they about to edit directly on the page? These days? Really? But so many of them still insist on all that. It cracks me up even when I’m trying to be serious.
I never thought about that. Excellent point!
As if they do any editing on it at all even when they run it
Great post. What a cool collection. I never see this stuff, because I skip the “Submission Page” and go straight to the Dominance Page. If I wanted to see a submission, I’d go watch “Red October” or “Fantastic Voyage”