Tag: snark

IU is brought to you in part by…

***Advertisement***

Indies Unlimited is brought to you in part by Fish Byproducts Incorporated, makers of fine cosmetics and household products.

Our research shows that indie authors are more likely than normal well-adjusted people to own cats. It’s also likely that if you’ve retained any part of a personal hygiene regimen, it probably includes the occasional use of mouthwash.

The problem of course, is that minty-fresh breath doesn’t really impress cats. When it comes to cuddle-time with your kitty, why not use a mouthwash with a scent preferred by cats 2-1 over other leading brands?

That’s right—with Fishterine, you can fight germs and have the fishy-fresh breath that cats adore. Now available in Terrific Tuna, Sumptuous Salmon, and new Magnificent Mackerel. Buy some today! Available wherever fine fish-scented products are sold.

Somulax: Double Duty

***Advertisement***

Indies Unlimited is proudly brought to you in part by Pharmatopia Laboratories. Remember, “pharmaceutical” is just another word for “love.”

Pharmatopia Laboratories (formerly CANEX Chemical Weapons), is pleased to announce the FDA has finally approved our new product, Somulax.

In these stressful and trying times, the two most common health complaints are insomnia and constipation. Somulax is the first combination drug formulated to address both problems. By combining a powerful tranquilizing agent with a harsh and fast-acting laxative, Somulax provides safe and effective* rest and bowel evacuation.

Let’s face it, with the job market the way it is today, you don’t need the boss timing your bathroom breaks, and you need good rest to get your job done right. Ask your doctor if Somulax is right for you!

WARNING: We recommend our Oopsie overnight pad be used when taking Somulax. Some users have reported side-effects including sleep-talking, sleep-walking, sleep-dancing, sleep-driving, sleep-fishing, and sleep-murder. If these symptoms appear or persist, contact your physician—we make drugs for that too!

*The government has now defined the criteria for “safe and effective” to be met when two out of three clinical trials result in a death rate lower than 50% in the study population.

Prestigous Publisher Now Accepting Manuscripts for Rejection

The very prestigious Pompous Ass Publishing has issued a statement indicating it will now accept a limited number of manuscripts for formal rejection.

“We normally don’t respond at all to submissions of any kind,” said a spokesman for the Editor-in-Chief, Langley Whitcomb Von Throppington IV. “Still, we feel this is an important step in appearing to reach out to the public.”

In order to be eligible for a rejection letter, the query must come from the agent of an author whose work is critically acclaimed and who has a significant back-catalog of award-winning best-selling titles to his or her credit. Pompous Ass Publishing is best known as the imprint that has rejected the best-selling and most revered authors of all time.

Introducing BookScather

Indie authors sweat bullets over getting reviews and worrying about bad reviews. It turns out we’ve been going about this all wrong.

Studies show that bad reviews on books by unknown authors actually result in a spike in sales. Who can argue with studies?

Add to this the number of indie author elites bemoaning the state of indie writing. Now look at Amazon and its scorched-earth policy on obliterating suspect favorable reviews while ignoring suspect bad reviews. Amazon is in the process of eliminating ALL author to author reviews.

It’s going to be all right, folks. Even in these trying times, one man has the vision and courage to come to the rescue of the indie community—and that man is me. Continue reading “Introducing BookScather”