I may or may not have had a birthday this week. I’ll never tell. But if I did have a birthday, I might be inclined to put a wishlist together. Since my life revolves around being a writer – you guessed it – my wishlist is pretty much writerly dominated. Here’s what I want – and what I shall stomp my feet in a fitting tantrum until I get – in no particular order.
#1 Facebook friend requests from people who don’t behave like fugitives from the law. Why won’t you show me your photos or friends’ list? And how did you even find me? Well, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours, and since you’re not showing me yours – well – delete.
#2 No more Facebook events for each time someone sneezes. Please, I get event invitations for hang-nail recovery parties for crying out loud. Guess what? If you didn’t come to one of the two book release events I posted this year (I only ran two events instead of one for each of my 6 new releases to be fair!) – I’m not coming to yours. Yeah, that’s right, I’m evil that way. That’s how I roll.
#3 Like my Facebook page and I’ll like yours. Really? YOU just sent ME a friend invitation, and the second I accepted you have the audacity to assault me with “like my page?” I. Don’t. Think. So. Yeah, that’s right. I’ve got attitude, and I’m not afraid to use it. Same goes to friends I’ve invited to like my author, or more likely, Mr. Pish’s page. You blew me off, but now, you’re all good with asking me to like yours? I don’t think so. But I might have already said that.
Ah. I feel better already. This wishlist stuff is liberating! Okay, that’s enough social media ranting. Let’s get on with the list.
#4 Full-body heated suit. Yes, getting old means aches and pains and knots in the shoulders from long hours writing. I love my little bag of rice that I can heat up in the microwave (thank you, Ladell!), but it just doesn’t stay in place on my left shoulder blade. I think a full-body suit would solve that problem, and would eliminate my having to precariously balance the heated bag on the back of my neck.
#5 Chapter-end invigoration. I’m just plain old tired of feeling like a bus hit me when I’m done writing a chapter. I want to feel invigorated and ready to do the dishes I’ve ignored for two days in order to plow through that chapter. Then again, maybe a nap is indeed a better idea.
#6 Patience. I would, in fact, like a tad more patience. But I’d like to get it right away.
#7 The power to move Amazon rankings. Someone once had the insolence to suggest to me that by repeatedly clicking refresh during book promotions, I could not change the Amazon sales numbers or rankings. This is just ridiculous. Each time I hit refresh, that number should improve. Someone needs to make this so.
#8 Ridiculously accommodating beta readers. Wouldn’t it be nice to send a book to a beta reader and get daily status reports back? How many authors sit there, in the dark, biting their nails, wondering if the beta readers hate their stuff? I’m getting too old for that kind of stress. If they hate it, I want to know now, dammit! Don’t make me wait! Hmmm, perhaps we should refer back to #6.
#9 Everyone should ‘Do unto others.’ I believe in that; I really do. I have always tried to treat others as I wanted to be treated. So, if someone says “can you please tell your friends about my promotion?” I hop right in and I do it. Then, when I ask the same of them, it’s like talking to myself. Well, not really. We have pretty good conversations over here. In any case, my new rule is – if I pimped for you and now you won’t pimp for me? Well, you can just forget me ever doing that for you again – or pretty much anything. Ever. I have a really good memory. I won’t forget. Ever.
#10 My night at the Oscars. Why not? Let’s just go full gusto here, shall we?
Well, I guess this birthday wasn’t so bad after all. In fact, it was pretty good – thanks to the great support network I have. A lot of really cool people I know also believe in #9, and I want to make sure they know I’m grateful. Of course, stuff is good, too. Can I get more stuff, or do I have to wait until next year? Crap – I have to wait until next year? It better hurry up and get here! Oh, rats, there goes that ugly #6 again. I hope everyone has a great year, and that all your birthday wishes come true. As long as mine come true first.