Stephen Hise and KS Brooks are off for the holidays so for once I’m able to submit an article without it being subject to their extreme vetting. This is the article you weren’t supposed to read. Finally I can tell the truth about what really happens here, and the rumors that have been circulating for months can be confirmed. So, please save this article on your hard drive. Once Hise and Brooks are back online denials like you haven’t heard since Rob Ford was caught on the pipe will be forthcoming. I guarantee you. Things happen here that will blow your mind, and even though we’re threatened, I mean told to “keep it all in the family”, I’m going to take a risk and break rank. Buckle up, here come the facts.
1. Stephen Hise is actually Richard Branson. Yes, you were right. Hise/Branson or RB as we’re permitted to call him is on the ground floor of the Indie revolution. He recognized that the world of literature was changing, assumed the alter-ego of Stephen Hise, and controls everything, and I mean everything, from Indies Unlimited headquarters. Slowly, and ever-so-subtly, you’ll begin to see the Virgin logo inserted on the pages of the IU site at the beginning of 2014.
I’m inserting two separate photos so you can compare. Oh, and please take note that you will never, ever see them photographed together. It’s because they’re the same person.
2. All “likes”, including but not limited to – page “likes”, Facebook “likes”, and all and any other “likes” are a complete waste of time. The rumor that they are helpful and will increase visibility was invented by a backroom staffer at IU who wanted to force authors away from writing new material, thus making the playing field less competitive. There is zero value in “liking” a page.
Said staffer has now been “siberia’ed”, (in the words of Hise and Brooks), and is no longer part of the infrastructure. Apparently he/she is now publishing poetry through Smashwords. Save your time and quit “liking” stuff. Go write another book.
3. There are not, and never will be any brown M and M’s found in any of the Indies Unlimited staff areas. Apparently this dates back to a relationship KS Brooks had with Diamond Dave back in the eighties. And, yes, it was during the Van Halen days. That’s the only information I have on that one.
4. Indies Unlimited staff writers are routinely dispatched on covert missions to study the writing habits of other Indie writers all over the world. You thought you saw someone who looked like me, or Chris James, or Laurie Boris outside your home? You might have been right. It could have been one of us. Our missions, when we choose to accept them, involve reporting on what’s going on in Indieland. Our only reward is that we’re allowed to keep the air miles we accumulate. So, close your curtains. We’re probably out there.
5. There are several hundred boxes of anatomically correct bobble-head dolls sitting gathering dust in a warehouse in Spokane, Washington. And, due to a restraining order from a nationally recognized feminist organization they will never, ever be used as the promotional gifts they were intended to be. It’s too bad because mine really bobbles. A lot.
6. There is currently interest from two minor television production companies who would like to develop the Hise/Brooks story into a made-for-TV movie. Or maybe it’s a reality show. I can’t remember the exact details on that one.
There’s more, much more. There are invite-only toga parties, initiation ceremonies, weekly consults with psychics, and the mandatory black, velvet framed pictures of Elvis that have to be hung on every single wall of the Indies Unlimited offices. That’s enough for now though, I’ve told you too much already. If there’s any decency left in the world, the truth will be revealed soon. And, as I said in my very first IU article – I’m glad to be here, glad to be part of the lunacy, glad to be part of history. Thanks for having me Kat and Stephen.
And this is why we like you Martin, you reveal the truth at the risk of your own reputation.
In reference to #4 above, I really do apologize that the cows were in the front yard when the last IU operative came by to spy on (err, I mean, “observe”) me. That was not mud they stepped in … 🙂
Those were cows? Hise told me they were reindeer.
Thanks for your comment.
Easy mistake for Hise (or Branson?) to make, since we did tie antlers to their heads for the holidays …
Thanks, Martin for the hilarious post and hope you have a wonderful 2014.
Funny. Thanks, S.A. and best to you in 2014 too.
No comment.
Very wise Al, very wise.
Don’t make me threaten you, Crosbie. You know I’ll do it! 😉
LOL. I totally know you will Stephen, I mean Richard.
Sorry, guys, but Molteni topped you on this one. Laffin’.
Thank you, Jackie.
You don’t need to see our identification. These aren’t the minions you’re searching for….
Thank you Laurie.
You Really Got Me, Martin. I was about to Dance the Night Away, but I had to Jump when I saw your expose. I guess now everyone will know I was Runnin’ with the Devil. I’m pleading the 5th.
Aww, come on, you need to get “Ice Cream Man” in there too.
Thank you Kat.
I live in the wilderness. The Ice Cream Man Don’t Come Around Here No More. Oh no! 😉
I don’t want to be in your shoes, now that you’ve outed our EM and Qheen. I think I’ll lay low until the furor dies down.
Oh, don’t be fooled folks. That number four – it’s not “our missions, should we choose to accept them” It’s “whether or not we choose to accept them”. (shhh, it isn’t me who told you that)
Thank you Yvonne.
I know nothink! I see nothink!
(Ask Martin about what happens to all the red M&Ms sometime. Go on. I dare you.)
Thank you, Lynne. We need to keep some secrets.
LOL! I do prefer a heads-up before any minions visit me. I have to hide – I mean PUT AWAY…stuff. Yeah, just some stuff lying around. THERE”S NOTHING TO SEE HERE!
Nicole, I’m pulling your file right now.
Thanks for commenting.
This is an excellent example of EVERYTHING that is just WRONG with this whole “Unlimited” movement and it’s duped adherents. The whole idea of unlimitation is a misnomer, if not a miscarriage of misdemeanor and general sacriledge to the natural laws we hold and dear live by. The law of thermodyamics, for one. Just try telling Maxwell’s demon about having no limits. See how entropic it gets you. Gravity, for another. What could be more limiting that THAT for crissakes? Ignoring the gravity of non-delmiitation will only get your head in the hopper of the ash dump or pre-history, and you know it! You’d end up without an “un” to be dislimited in so fast it would make your headlice spin. You ANIMALS! You can’t diss the limits unless your learn them first, and obey them second. Heed my words, this will only end in tears, and the bitter seeds or retribution when those irresponsible are brought to heel, justice, bears, fruition or rendering, whichever comes first in the hearts of our countrymen and colegalists in a short order. I’m not kidding here! Mark up my words and bide my tonque before it’s all just too tragically late to seek redemption in repentance for a limited time only.
You know what I’m talking about.
Wow, I had no idea how deep this “un-limitation” ran. Thanks for the additional information, Linton 🙂
I hear it’s a secret society, with long purple robes and a few slain chic… oh no, they’ve caught me … if you don’t hear from me again you’ll know it was all tru…. akkkkk
Remember that line from “The Year of Living Dangerously”? They have a list-You are on it…
Thanks Nellie!
As a fellow British Columbian, I expected you would have told me these secrets previously, Martin. What else have you been holding back on, eh??
😉
I was trying to protect you Jo-Anne. Honest.
Happy New Year to you, my friend.
So this is what us n00bs haven’t been told! Closing my curtains right /now/. [I wonder if ‘they’ saw the fluffy slippers…]
That’s the problem with “they” isn’t it, Andrea. You never know who “they” really are…
Thanks for commenting.
-grin- I hope ‘they’ enjoy your article as much as I did. 😀
Oh, Martin, thank God you didn’t mention the initiation ceremony with the dangling participle and the branding iron. Ye gads, if the readers only knew what us staffers went through…
Some things are better left unsaid (or unwritten), Chris. Thanks for commenting.
Love this!
Thank you, Melissa, and Happy New Year to you.
Hey, 0019… Crosbie… Martin Crosbie, yes, I’m talking to you! I just thought I’d better give you a heads up ─ being as you’re a fellow Scotsman an’ all ─ I’ve just been given a mission, should I chose to take it ─ but you know there really isn’t any choice ─ I’m afraid you’ve upset the powers that be and… well, I think I’ve already said enough don’t you? Put it this way: better me than an outside contractor, at least you know it will be quick, clean and relatively painless.
Oh and by the way ─ nothing personal, Martin ─ I actually thought it was a great post.
Oh and Happy Hogmanay, Martin!
Good stuff, TD. Happy Hogmanay right back at ya, my friend.
P.S. Some of the anatomically correct bobble heads sold out.
I know. I have you guys all lined up on the window sill of my office. Bobbling away. In a non-creepy way of course.
Thank you, Lois.
So glad all that was cleared up. Being fairly new to IU, I had no idea.
I’m glad I could help, Kathryn.