They say, “To learn to love, learn to laugh.” Either way, you’ll find the love of laughter, or at least some good laughs about Love, in this book. Valentine’s Day get treated by some of the funniest writers in America: the people who win humor contests, syndicate columns, appear on comedy stages, create the jokes on TV. An invitation to laugh at the joke that makes the world go around.
And now, from My Funny Valentine: America’s Most Hilarious Writers Take On Love, Romance, and Other Complications
Be Romantic or Die
By Gregg Podolski
It’s Valentine’s Day again, that special day when men everywhere show their love and appreciation for the women in their lives by saying: “Happy what? Oh crap! Um, I’ll be right back.”
When it comes to purchasing Valentine’s Day gifts in a timely manner, guys generally fall into one of two categories:
- Men who buy expensive, thoughtful gifts several days before February 14th.
- Men who haven’t recently been caught having an affair.
This is not to imply that the only men who remember Valentine’s Day are philanderers. Some of them, for example, are only thinking about cheating.
As for the rest of us, it’s not that we forgot to buy anything–it’s just that we think it’s pointless to have a special holiday dedicated to loving our women when we already worship the ground you walk on every minute of every day. Plus, we forgot to buy anything.
Don’t worry, though, because we’ll make up for it by also forgetting our anniversary, your birthday and, occasionally, your name. It’s our little way of saying that we have no idea what we did wrong, but chances are we’re going to do it again.
Besides, we know that deep down women are really just romantic sentimentalists, that material things mean little to you and all you really want for Valentine’s Day is to spend some quality time with your soul mate. That, and a ring with a diamond the size of Portugal.
Making your Valentine’s Day dreams come true isn’t impossible, ladies. All you have to do is drop a few subtle hints in the weeks leading up to February 14th and you too can experience the singular, romantic joy of having several dozen dead flowers delivered to your office. (Suggestion: These subtle hints and reminders are most effective when your partner actually pays attention to what you’re saying. The best way to ensure that this happens, we’ve found, is by dating women).
The first step in your quest for the perfect Valentine’s Day present is to identify your significant other’s price range. To do this, simply take his weekly salary, subtract the cost of living expenses, multiply the remainder by the number of weeks left until Valentine’s Day, then toss that number out and go down to the nearest gas station to find out what they’re charging for
a dozen roses and a Snickers bar. This is what you have to work with.[subscribe2]