Today we have a sneak peek from the memoir by CJ Rock: A Promise Fulfilled.
A Promise Fulfilled is about a triumph of the human spirit, of overcoming obstacles that can prevent the realization of dreams. Possessed with maternal instinct and facing the uncertainty of infertility, CJ Rock risked everything for her dream of motherhood. Adversity and losses in her life were so devastating and overwhelming that her obsession with having a child became a catalyst for a long, difficult, and often painful wrestle with faith. A Promise Fulfilled is a compelling story about the pitfalls of adoption and the international adoption of a special needs child. Love can conquer all.
A Promise Fulfilled is available from Smashwords and Barnes and Noble.
And now, an excerpt from A Promise Fulfilled…
Many couples expect their relationship to eventually progress to the birth of a child, a positive, tangible result of their physical and emotional union and commitment. Unfortunately one in every five couples is infertile. As we women progress from childhood to adulthood, we believe that pregnancy is the defining moment. We wait for the day we learn we are pregnant, to feel that accomplishment move within our own bodies. But when time passes and there is no pregnancy, we face anger, frustration, doubt, fear, and self –debasement.
Then comes the uncertainty of fertility testing; this process, along with its trials and tribulations, brings its own tortuous uncertainty and threats of hostility to a relationship and the marital bed.
Month after month these painful procedures were unsuccessful. Emotionally, physically and financially depleted, I felt like a total failure as a woman, and Ted began to feel more like a walking sperm bank than my husband. My pain and anguish deeply affected our lives. Ted became exhausted because he was unable to help me work through my misery. No one could assist me because deep feelings of despondency had set in. This had become unbearable, and there was no closure in sight. The hurt and pain left me in a mental fog. I longed for a way out of my nightmare, hungering for this infertility roller coaster to stop. I was seething with anger and lost in the rough seas of frustration at not being able to achieve what other women had been achieving since the dawn of time.
The emptiness and hopeless was growing inside of me by the minute. Oh, how my heart ached for a baby to hold in my arms. Not even Ted, the man I loved could fill this void in my life. I was in the depths of despair, hanging on by a thread and ready to collapse at any moment.
Our marriage was tested, and so was my sanity. I was obsessed with conception. The tension and stress that had become a mainstay in our life almost destroyed our relationship, not to mention the financial tolls of these pregnancy attempts. I became a hermit. The thought of seeing a friend either pregnant or with a new baby was debilitating. I became the proverbial green-eyed monster with a purple tail. I was guilty of four of the seven deadly sins: pride, envy, anger and covetousness. It was time for the insanity to end.
Finally, after about five years, we reached our breaking point. After deep contemplation, we decided to cease all fertility treatments. Reality can be a painful and cruel slap in the face. It was the death of a dream. I was not going to conceive. I had to decide what was more important to me—becoming pregnant or being a mother. There was only one answer—I wanted to be a mom.