So, I have to write a post. But posts are made of wood and they create fences! And fences keep people in. And keep people out. And possums. Someone think of the possums. Sure, they can climb fences, but they shouldn’t have to. You want me to build a fence, Mr. Hise? How dare you?
This is supposed to be about community. How many times do we have to talk about the gatekeepers and our newfound indie freedom? Well, you know what Hise, gates are made out of wood, too – just like posts. I see your agenda.
See, it’s like this folks. Senor Hise thinks he can create this site for indie writers. He finds a group of gullible indies to write for him (for FREE! – the indignity). And we do it. We do it because community is important. Equality is important.
So, Hise makes this site to lure indies. Oh, it’s all good. Here’s a snarky POST for you to laugh at. Here’s some advice on how to market your book. Here’s this Canadian lunatic to spew emo all over your face. Here…have a beverage…
I am on to your game, Mr. Hise. Or is it Mr. Barnes…Mr. Noble? It’s a beautiful Saturday and I should be fishing, but instead I am shackled to a laptop building fence posts to keep out the riff raff. I have been so naïve.
Let them eat semi-colons, eh? Is that your game? Wash it down with this special bug juice.
Calling your quest for world domination a “blog” does not make me any less irate. Three-quarters of the word ‘blog’ is log. Quit making me give you wood, Mr. Hise! What, are you building a fortress?!?!
The wolf in sheep’s clothing has deceived us all, I’m afraid. And I assure you, this is not the paint I huffed talking. Oh no. It speaks in a voice akin to Elmer Fudd after he has been huffing glue. And not the Elmer’s kind.
What does your voice sound like Mister Hise. I have written tens of thousands of words for ‘the cause’ and we have never spoken. Very interesting. Very, very interesting.
So, come sheep, come simpletons. I was like you. I was under the spell of ‘community’ until I started thinking outside the box…the box made of posts and bLOGS.
It’s not your fault, gentle indies. With your books about fake people and dragons and police detectives. It is not your fault, gentle artists. You did not build the compound. Mr. Hise did not even build it. No, why would he get his hands dirty? He had me build it. Me and others like me (although not as attractive).
So, I will not write your post, Mr. Hise. You will not get your five hundred words from me. You cannot feast off of my blood and I will NOT remain silent. Tuesday will have to be short one POST…one brick in the wall…because I am taking a stand and stilling my fervent fingers. As of this moment…oh shit. You devious bastard!
* * * * *
JD Mader is a Contributing Author for Indies Unlimited and author of the novels ‘Joe Cafe’ and ‘The Biker’ – co-author of the mighty ‘Bad Book’ – and author of the short story collection ‘Please, no eyes.’ (available here). For more information, please see the IU Bio page and his blog: www.jdmader.com.
Hilarious. Um, is there a moral in here somewhere?
The evil will come from within, hence my painting over my pores with gold paint.
Morals are where you find them. I usually look under the couch.
Mader hits another one out of the park. I'm getting an X-Files/Twilight Zone vibe.
Where did my reply go? The witty Robert Redford reference!
"All we like sheep…" This makes a very good serious point, and not just about indie authors.
It is. Which is why I am now going to be a badger. You ever seen a badger? Yup.
Hehe! Well, he is the Evil Genius. Nice post.
Mind control is a very tricky science. He just had me go eat a banana!
A conspiracy theory about conspiracy theories? Or have I been into the magic markers again? Love it.
What exactly do you LOVE, Laurie? Huh? You think I don't get it (I will bring this place down around me shouting all the while: Valhalla! Valhalla!)
And quit bogarting the goddamn markers.
Best read of the day!!! ROFLOL…hubby giving me strange looks. [giggle]
I met a man once who tried to sell me a shoe. One shoe. One very dirty shoe.
Have you ever seen those single shoes lying, abandoned, by the side of the road and thought, "Where's the other shoe?"
I think I just figured out the answer.
Yeah, and I read a book about that when I was a kid!
Enjoyed this one *sending a wave to Senor Hise
😉
Make sure that hand keeps waving…it can morph so easily into a salute….
I thought that hand was for high-fiving? Oh boy, am I confused…
Like I said, it's tricky.
You've taken a stand! Or you haven't. You won't write anymore posts! But you have. Are you now sitting astride the fence?
Thanks for the laughs…and quite the opposite.
De nada.
Time will take the toll from us all…I have a fast pass, so I just drive on through.
Wait a minute, I see what you're doing here…. I HAVE heard Hise's voice and so have you. On those Bad Book trailers. Or wait, were those actors you hired to make us think those where real people? Is there no end to the conspiracy? Is wood really an evil thing or something in your pants after watching those internet movies? Mader you may have a fast pass, but your evil cooks on a slow back burner. Once again, I've been deceived into thinking I've been deceived. I hate it when that happens.
Me too. That pasty chubby guy on the Bad Books trailer is totally not me. And Hise is played by a vapor.
Badgers are badass. JD, you are a badger. Hise may have you building his fence with many posts, but only you would think to add the much needed barbed wire.
Razor wire. Barbed rusts worse. But yeah.
I thought this was going to be an Indie version of 'Desperado', you know "out riding fences, for so long now…" but it wasn't. I thought it was going to be a serious monologue on the monolithic state, but it wasn't. I thought you might be talking about a revolution (ya know with all that 'community this and community that'), but it wasn't. I thought it might a comment on the state of Indie writing and authorship, but it wasn't.
Then, I didn't think anymore and I understood it fully. Good one, JD. 😉
My hat wrote most of it. I was mainly there to take in the scenery through my sensory stimulus holes.
you said stimulus.
wood
apparently.
Heh. You said "wood."
SOMEONE said 'wood'.
Hot milk and lots of it. You'll feel better soon, don't worry.
No no, not milk — gruel. It's really good, too — the Evil Mastermind put his special bug juice in it.
America sauce.
Exactly.
I know the feeling. The guilt that runs through my veins when I get an email at 7:00 AM on Wednesday morning that says, "post this week?"
AND of course (borrowing from Laurie Boris' earlier post) my post doesn't run until Saturday. SATURDAY! What is he actually doing with it all week? Is he posting it in 30 other blogs and claiming it as his! Is he sharing with his extraterrestrial friends to complete his evil mastermind plan's?
I'm planning a Senate investigation into the fence building, alien patronizing ways of his honor.
Whoops, I meant Krista Tibbs "AND" article!
Jim Devitt. A patriot.
Forgiveness is ongoing makes fellowshiop with God possible! All that huffing & puffing. "Someone has to take a stand," say's Loyd Robinson from Stands Bridge.
I just finished a fresh strawberry drink.
🙂 Lady YMD
There was some likker in that drink, eh?
Great anti-post. My stitched side hates you for the laughter, but the rest of me says thanks!
You're welcome. And I hate your side back.
David said to watch out for you, JD, as a security threat, and now I see what he means.
By the way, sorry to join the post so late; I don’t have my new computer yet and this one keeps going into a coma.
Girlfriend in a coma I'll buy because I like the Smiths. Computer?
I am the ghost in the machine. 😉
Take that Mr. Hise!
LOL
Fell. Over. Laughing.
Jesus! Be careful!
Very good post, very good wood, and very good sheep! for little bo peep would like to have her sheep back now, and the 2nd little pig would like his wood for his house back now and Dudley Do Right would like his post back now! I hope you have as good a day as you had writing that blog. Take care JD and be safe!
Gosh, Dan, you don't get paid?