Yes, I do believe necessity IS the mother of invention. I don’t know who originally said that, and I’m too damned lazy to Google it. Huh, in fact, I’m so lazy that I just used “Google” as a verb. So there.
I have no intention of defending my laziness. Frankly, I’m proud of it. I use my energy solely for writing and marketing my books. My houseplants are wilting and my dinner is still in the freezer. But I put in a long day filled with paper cuts, taping my fingers together and filling in U.S. Customs paperwork so I could send out “Advance Review Copies” of my new book.
There’s that word: review. That all too elusive review – the one that should be written quickly and gladly by the person receiving your book for free. But it doesn’t go that way, does it? BE HONEST – you know it doesn’t. Even though they basically gave their word they’d review your book – what percentage of them actually do it?
Well, I have an invention which will rectify this situation. I just need some funding to make it happen. You want to know what it is? If you keep it on the Q.T., I’ll tell you.
Voice chips. That’s right, the ones they use to make those talking books? We implant those into each review copy. We record into the chip “Review (insert name of your book here). 5 stars. Do it. If you don’t, that means you lied. No one likes a liar.” Of course, it would have to be at a consciously inaudible octave so it reaches the alleged reviewer’s deep subconscious. We set the timer on this chip – what, I didn’t mention a timer? I’m mentioning it now, okay? We set the timer – stop interrupting me – to go off only when the reviewer is close by so we don’t wear down the battery…okay, so that means it needs some kind of heat sensor. Yeah, throw that in there, too. So now we have the heat seeking, timed, subliminal message to the reviewer to review the book. Hmmm…I think it would be best if there was also a light sensor so that the recording only played at night. They say that’s the best time to influence a person – while they’re asleep.
Okay, so maybe I didn’t think this through very well. Let’s regroup here. Now I’m thinking, perhaps I should send a clock radio with each book review copy – that would pretty much guarantee it would be put next to the bed. It would get plugged in so I wouldn’t have to worry about battery drainage. The special pre-recorded subliminal message could play 24/7. Maybe that makes more sense.
So, now you know. And I think you know this invention is a necessity. In fact, you’re probably a little jealous you didn’t think of this yourself. You want your own, don’t you? I can tell. Don’t be shy. Just send your investment my way and I’ll make it happen. Really.
* * * * *