Listen up Fat Boy:
Yeah, you got me. I did it all: sat on your lap, wrote you a letter, left you homemade cookies (HOMEMADE!! I don’t even bake!) and even farm fresh milk. Yeah, I sold out. I did it all so my Christmas wishes would come true.
Christmas morning, I ran down my stairs like a kid. I jetted to my laptop, powered it on, and…. What?! No, it couldn’t be! Not even one new review on Amazon.com. Santa, you had eight books to choose from and you couldn’t even get me one bloody review? So I started thinking, well, this is because I’m Jewish. Santa’s obviously a racist. Then I calmed myself down and checked the Amazon.com pages of my fellow Indie Authors. No new reviews for them either. Hmmm. Maybe Santa didn’t dislike Jews. Maybe he disliked Indie Authors.
That’s okay, I thought, but not really. My mind was too busy scheming my retaliation. I would win one for Indie Authors. Damn right I would.
Okay Santa Baby – see Mrs. Claus here? That’s right, we’ve got her. 
And it seems she’s having a pretty good time without you. You wanna see her back at the North Pole? This is how I see it. Indie Authors work constantly. I, for one, work 15 hours a day 7 days a week on book related stuff. Your fat ass only works one day a year! So I figure you have some spare time that you can share with us. Here are our demands.
INDIE AUTHOR LIST OF DEMANDS
- Follow up with all those deadbeats who got our books for free and didn’t review them.
- Contact book stores and set up signings for us.
- Scour page after page of online newspapers and magazines for their contact information.
- Contact said newspapers and magazines and try to get feature articles written about us.
- Write up press releases, then distribute them to newspapers, magazines, local interest groups, radio stations, television stations and whoever else will take one.
- Find contests for book covers, video trailers, and indie book awards so we can submit – but make sure those contests are free because we don’t have the budget for those $99 extortionist entry fee venues.
- Get certified for therapeutic and deep tissue massage. We writers sit all day long and frankly, my back hurts.
- Locate and set up radio and television interview opportunities.
- Learn how to make book video trailers. I don’t have time to make those anymore.
- How about baking US cookies for a change? You need to lose some weight anyway.
That ought to do it. Meet those demands and we’ll get your Missus back to you.
Your Friend,
K. S. Brooks
* * * * *
K.S. Brooks is an award-winning author and photographer, and Co-Administrator of Indies Unlimited. For more information, please see the IU Bio page and her web site: http://www.ksbrooks.com/
'Your friend', huh. Hmmmm. He might not agree. You may get a lump of coal next year. Good list though.
Well coal would be more than I got this year! LOL
Heh. She may not want to go back. 🙂
Yeah, she looks pretty happy to me!
Fabulous! Agree with all of those.
Thanks KJ!
Hi, that's quite a list. Can I borrow it? Sequin Boy and Cindy should be out in twp weeks.
Regards,
Arthur Levine
Borrow away! Those are the dirty jobs that face all Indie Authors. 🙂
I loved your piece on Santa! We must laugh about all our foibles. Without humor there's no appreciation of all the work we do.
I've been there, done that and wonder why I still continue with it. First reviewer I mailed my book put it for sale in a used bookstore in Wisconsin for $9.99 three days after it was delivered. Humm . . .? I wonder if he/she read it at all? I don't mind giving away a book + postage. But no review yet. But I still hope, because I know who he/she is. "Only the Shadow knows." However other reviews are still pending, so I'm patient.
Lilian Gafni
Thank you Lilian! That's a raw deal for certain. I hope he/she will do the right thing!
Oh my, that was just priceless. I laughed the entire way through. Although I have to admit that I agree with Yvonne up there… coal anyone? Nevertheless, Santa does seem to be a people pleaser. Maybe he'll strive to please you this year! One can hope…
Great post!
Hey, Indie Authors can turn coal into diamonds, right? SEND COAL!!! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by Collette!
Naw…I think you made a HUGE mistake by taking Mama Claus. I think Santa's more apt to capitulate if you'd've taken Rudolf. Even if he does want her back, how will you accomplish that? How can you threaten her so that she will go back? No, it's all too risky, but, damn!, I really appreciate where you are coming from. I can't believe Santa didn't come across–just like a guy, huh?–especially knowing you sold out for him. Men! I give up. Just sign me, Mrs. Conklin
Hey, desperate times require desperate measures. Mrs. Claus is happy, and she's baking gluten-free cookies over here like there's no tomorrow. She's cleaned my house AND shoveled the driveway. I'm not sure I want to give her back!
Yeah, Santa! Answer our demands or Mrs. Claus gets it.
Now you're talking! Yeah!
K.
My husband Joel, just read your piece on Santa and couldn't stop laughing. We both loved it!
Thanks Lilian! I appreciate you stopping by!
Very very funny! What a friggin talented author you are!
I just shed one silent tear of happiness.
Yes! One for the cause!
Gosh Kat, please let Mrs Claus go.
Santa showed up in Tampa and won't leave the strip club Mons Venus. The reindeer poop everywhere, and the stench is terrible. Local law enforcement is afraid to take him on, they don't want to be on the naughty list.
Send your correspondence to the club, located on Dale Mabry Highway in Tampa. Tell him Mrs. Claus will be returned, a bit tired but none the worse for wear. I'm sure he'll give you what you want. After all, you work for the future leader of the free world!
Lois! You are wonderful! I shall send our demands care of this place of questionable repute and hope for the best! Meanwhile, may I send you some cookies? Mrs. Claus is tearing it up and we have some extra Snickerdoodles!