Speaking of…

I have been approached about reading at a large, literary hippie-fest in San Francisco (and I mean that in the best sense). I said yes. With trepidation. It is a huge event. And it is an honor that they thought of me. I have a story that would be perfect. There is, however, one giant-ass issue. I hate to read.

Let me clarify a little. I hate to read out loud. More specifically, I hate to read things I have written out loud. Hate it. I usually refuse. That’s why I write for heaven’s sake – so people don’t have to listen to my stupid voice.

When I was a kid, I had some speech issues. I reversed my R’s and W’s. Wabbit. Which was cute for everyone except me. I also stuttered sometimes, especially when I was uncomfortable and talking in front of a huge group of people.

The reason I stopped playing music is because I loathe being on a stage with a bunch of people staring at me. And then I at least had a guitar barrier. But standing and reading a story…

I want Christopher Walken to read my stories. I suck at it. I don’t feel comfortable doing dialogue right, and it all just comes out like a stoned, monotone, hypnotic drone. No one wants to hear that. But if I said no, it would be CRAZY.

It used to be this wouldn’t be an issue because I would just pound a pint of bourbon and it would either be awesome or a complete disaster, but I wouldn’t really care. Now, I can’t do that. I might have a cup of tea. That might hype me up too much, though.

I think I am going to plant hecklers. That’s the only way I see out of this situation. I can be the forthright and dignified writer who is mid-sentence when nailed with a rotten tomato. I’ll be a martyr. I’ll probably go viral.

With a few exceptions (David Sedaris is REALLY good), most authors suck at reading their work. I don’t even like hearing it.

I think I might enlist the help of a homeless person. Or a tourist. Or my daughter. I don’t know. I am anxious just thinking about it. I know you all know me as the suave, debonair, handsome, and witty gent who graces your faces every Tuesday and Thursday, but, in reality (I visit it sometimes), I am the suave, debonair, handsome and witty gent who has trouble maintaining eye contact with people and puts ten year old pictures of themselves on their posts.

I’ll do it. Hell, at this point I do pretty much anything that will help me sell a book or two (you all have been slacking…hold up, my daughter is crying for food again…sheesh…I’ll explain the whole free lunch thing to her). Oh, I’ll do it, but I’ll feel like I am doing a disservice to my own damn story and that is a crappy feeling.

Oh, boo hoo, you’re thinking. I know, I should just be happy about life and stop being such a wimp. I should be glad I was asked. I should face up to my fears and meet life head on. I should stop hiding. But that’s not what real writers do. Dig?

Author: JD Mader

JD Mader is an award winning short story writer and novelist. 'Joe Café' and 'The Biker' are out now, as well as 'Please, no eyes'. and the collaborative 'Bad Book'. Mader has been writing for half his life and has no plans on stopping any time soon. Learn more about JD Mader at his blog and his Amazon author page.

43 thoughts on “Speaking of…”

  1. Reading doesn't get me too much, not even my own stuff – but ask me what my book is about and i choke on my own tongue, sound like I have marbles in my mouth and sound like a total idiot. So, how about this? I'll come read for you and you can answer my question. Oh, yeah, I forgot, magic doesn't exist. Sigh.

  2. It's hard. I know. What helped me was practice. Again and again and again. Reading to people who told me where to slow down, speed up, take a breath. Reading to the mirror. It helped. I'm not FANTASTIC at it like David Sedaris, but I suck a lot less than I used to. Good luck. The gig sounds great, and thanks for sharing this, dude!

  4. I wish you luck with it JD. Who knows? You might just find an audience that digs your style. Obviously you have found one here.

    😉

    1. Thanks brother. My SS collection, 'Please, no eyes.' is all about SF for the most part. San Francisco took me in, broke me, and helped me rebuild. It will always be my home. Plenty of weirdos like me here.

  6. Well, I'm the smartass who's always been great at public speaking, the one who always sits in front of the class with her arm perpetually raised (a la Hermione in Harry Potter). It comes from a missspent youth gathering my younger sisters around and pompously retelling myths and opera libretti and lives of astronomers and anything I could bribe them to listen to. So who would you rather listen to–a smartass or a quiet, word-seeking, sincere fella like JD? Don't answer that. I'm leaving.

  7. I feel your pain. In my case, though, I'm just too introverted for my own good sometimes. Once you get out there and do it, all will go well and you'll pick up some new fans and maybe some book sales in the process(Heck, maybe you'll be able to feed your daughter after all!). Just remember that you are a very talented writer and you should be confident in the content you're reading, no matter how you read it. Eventually hindsight will show you it wasn't that bad.

  8. There are a thousand actors and voiceover actors in SF who'd be happy to help out by reading your work outloud for you. You just step up to the podium afterwards to field questions. Seems to me like this out to be a standard operating procedure. After all, you're right: no audience wants to suffer through a crappy public speaker LOL (Actually I found out first hand at a workshop last week that actors don't always make good public speakers either!)

  9. Oh! New layout and I can post via WP! Very nice Mr Hise 😀

    I digress. JD? May I make a suggestion? Before you start your reading tell the audience exactly what you just told /us/. Tell them about the 'Wabbit', tell them how terrible you are blah blah and then ask for their help. Tell them you're going to read the first para and at the end of it they can tell you if it's too slow, too fast, too whatever. Make those people in the audience your friends. Make it interactive. Get them involved so they remember the guy who was shit scared but was a good bloke and a really good writer!

    If they invest in you the person then they might also invest in your books 🙂 Good luck!

  12. I feel for you, JD. After encouragement and coaching from my wife, who was in live theatre from sixteen years of age, I started taking on speaking engagements about six years ago. I still freak until I can feel the audience begin to warm to me. Funny thing is I’ve instructed huge martial arts classes for most of my life, and taught various sized classes in security procedures, business certificates, fist aid and many other subjects; but to stand up in from of even a small group and read my own material I find quite intimidating.

    Having someone that you know and trust coach you helps your performance immensely, and although it doesn’t necessarily make you feel better before the event it does ensure you will give a better performance. Just remember that the people are there because they want to like you, they haven’t been forced there at gun point; you’re ninety percent there. I’m not sure if that helps, JD, but you’re taking it anyway, grab the bull by the horns and you’ll find yourself on the other side before you know it. Like you said, ‘It’s all about selling books!’

    Nock 'em dead, JD!

    1. Thanks brother. It is a weird thing. I taught writing workshops and I could talk forever and never feel weird, but as soon as it is 'public speaking' I want to run. 🙂 But I won't.

  14. You have plenty of great company. Have you listened to classic poets read their work? Try Robert Frost, for example. Few authors read well, and that's the truth. It's not an expectation the audience will have. Best of luck.

  15. Brother:
    1. Glass of water. It’s a great comfort blanket, and don’t be afraid to dink it.
    2. The natives are friendly. Remember that you impress people. They really do want to listen to you and will forgive you (almost) anything.
    3. In public, nerves don’t show one-tenth of themselves. If you are nervous, to your audience you will appear concentrated. If you are terrified, you will appear slightly distracted. If you are about to have a heart attack from the stress, you will appear to be mildly bothered.
    4. Silence is golden. Given them time to reflect on your excellent writing (and fidget, and pick their noses, etc). Don’t be afraid to allow minor pauses while you talk. They’ll like you for it.
    5. Breathing. Don’t forget to it. And take your time when you do it, too.
    Good luck!

  16. JD, I agree with Chris's advice wholeheartedly, though I think the first one was to 'drink' the water!

    I've been there. I actually like reading in front of a group, as long as I have something in front of me to lean on and I don't have to hold the book or the microphone. I have an essential tremour that kicks in even more with adreneline, even when I convinced myself years ago that I like public speaking. ARGH…

    Chris is also right about the audience not seeing your nerves the way you feel them. I did a presentation several years ago (where I was thrown off by having to hold my notes, and the powerpoint clicker at the same time…the ultimate horror for me & my tremour) I was convinced that I had not only embarrassed myself but also the audience would be mortified. Lost my place in the presentation several times – sheer hell for me. Strangely enough, the feedback I got was really good and our Director of Communications to this day thinks I'm lying about what an awful experience it was.

    So I guess what I'm saying is: take everyone's advice, remember we've all been there, and go for it. The audience really will want to listen to you – you're already half way there :))

  17. If the Olympics wasn’t around, I’d totally fly out and read it for you! I like reading other’s works. It’s fun and I get to come up with whole accents and stuff. It’s a good time, for me anyway, I can’t keep my mouth shut as it is.
    Too bad the Olympics have sky rocketed airline prices.
    When I was a kid in acting classes I had a jerk of a director who taught me a valuable lesson when you’re in front of a large crowd and scared to death:
    1. Fixate your gaze on a spot far in the distance, beyond the end of the audience. It can be anything you want, a tree, a building, it doesn’t matter as long as its stationary and nonthreatening. When you do that, you look as though you’re talking to the audience even though you’re not.
    2. Pretend the audience isn’t there. They are going to be, obviously. But, if you treat the reading as if it’s just you and your manuscript you’ll feel more comfortable and relaxed with yourself.
    3. Practice in front of a mirror. If you get used to your own eyes on you, you won’t mind more.
    4. Run lines/read in front of your family. Same principle as #3.
    5. Practice. Practice. Practice.

    My director was a jerk. He truly was. But, after I took what he said to heart (had no real choice in the matter, I was little, in pink, and had one of he bigger minor parts in the play) Snow White and the Seven Dwarves wasn’t the nightmare I had psyched myself up for it to be.

    You’ll do great, my friend!

  19. JD,

    Let me offer a technical suggestion. Print the book out in large text landscape on letter paper. When you print it put the page breaks at places you should pause. The act of flipping the page forces the pauses in their proper place.

    Do not attempt to read from the book itself. There is a reason professional speakers use teleprompters. The text on a teleprompter is huge. The text in a book is tiny.

    Many audio visual companies aggravate the situation by lighting the podium from pipes mounted on the floor which puts the light directly in speaker's eyes and causes flare oft the top of eyeglasses. This angle of light puts the book in the dark so you are squinting to read. By placing the printed pages open on the podium, you reduce the impact of the horrific, but inexpensive, lighting foisted off on the general public by well meaning, but underfunded AV companies.

    Look up periodically when you read. With the large print you can and not lose your place. Smile at the audience, Unless they really hate you, they will smile back.

    Best of luck. The other suggestions above are good. Try and Relax.

  20. You waskily wabbit, you! YOU CAN DO IT…but just in case–I sense a cold coming on and the reading being done by Morgan Freeman, who could read the phone book and get a standing ovation.

  21. I pretty much hate doing anything in front of people. I think you should read it in Christopher Walken's voice. At least practice it that way. Can't hurt, eh?

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