Review Action Package!

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I know, I know: getting reviews out of readers is one of the great mysteries of our days. Why, oh why, are people so averse to posting their opinions online? You put your books out there, bared your soul for all to see – some even for free – yet these readers will not reward you with a meager review. What’s an author to do?

Don’t worry – you’re not alone. The good folks over at Stalkopedia and Zhitty Airlines have teamed up to bring Indie Authors another solution: the Review Action Package!

What exactly is a Review Action Package? Well let me tell you. Once you place your order, Stalkopedia will use their amazing investigative technology to provide you with the personal information of the person who purchased your book (but didn’t review it) including: email address, home address, phone number, place of employment, blood type, and home security information. Now, how much would you pay for that? Don’t answer yet, because…

That’s not all!

Drive to the local cornfield of your choice, and you’ll be picked up personally by a charter flight of Zhitty Airlines. While you’re flying to the location of your reader, you can enjoy refreshments that you bring with you. Now, how much would you pay for that? Don’t answer yet, because…

That’s not all!

During your flight, you’ll receive personalized training, through a special inflight VHS movie, about rappelling, parachuting, water-boarding, Chinese water torture, and other proven coercion techniques. (VHS player not included. Zhitty’s player was confiscated during an ATF raid. You will need to bring your own.) Once you’ve reached your destination, the cargo door will open and the pilot will direct you to jump. You’ll enjoy the breathtaking scenery as you parachute down into your reader’s neighborhood. NOW how much would you pay? But that’s still not all!

If you call before midnight tonight, Zhitty Airlines will throw in a bonus – they’ll pick you up after you’re done thanking your reader for purchasing your book! Don’t forget to inscribe it with a special personal message.

You might think this type of package would be exorbitant. But Stalkopedia’s groundbreaking automated technologies and Zhitty Airlines’ crop-dusting trained pilots and outdated fleet of planes allows them to offer this package to Indie Authors for only $500 per reader.  How awesome is that? Because each review is priceless, right?

*Parachute is sold separately.

Author: K.S. Brooks

K.S. Brooks is an award-winning novelist, photographer, and photo-journalist, author of over 30 titles, and executive director and administrator of Indies Unlimited. Brooks is currently a photo-journalist and chief copy editor for two NE Washington newspapers.  She teaches self-publishing and writing topics for the Community Colleges of Spokane, and served on the Indie Author Day advisory board. For more about K.S. Brooks, visit her website and her Amazon author page.

15 thoughts on “Review Action Package!”

  4. Very funny! Why is it that those who hate our books are so willing and able to voice their disapproval, whereas the majority of readers who like the book are so reluctant to proclaim their adulation?

    1. Easy enough Joe…for the same reason people find it easy to tell you about the folks they don’t like, and can’t speak in specifics about the people they do like, a function that gets even more pronounced the more they like a person. Problem is this: you sound like an objective and independent guy when you’re complaining. You sound like a teen-age crusher when you’re doing otherwise–unless, of course, you’re a pro.

  5. My oh My…..so I am not the only one. Every time I offer a book for free in exchange for a review, and don’t hear, I feel a little more like the incredible shrinking writer! Time to develop a thicker skin, I guess!

  11. Who needs reviews? It’s sales we want isn’t it? Do you have a flight that includes a hypnotist to entrance our readers’ “buy now” clicking finger?

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